#my anxiety is so out of control the past 2 weeks I can’t help it

[longlegsnamjoon420]

I know I’m a literal nurse who takes care of people but I still can’t believe I’m in charge of a tiny creature.

[imfinereallyy]

Tattooed Steve, pt. 2

Part 1 here

Soooo I ended up writing more tattooed Steve. I couldn’t resist. I also realized that Eddie would be the first person to find out but like…other than Robin. But I didn’t count her because Steve and Robin are the same person honestly at this point. Anyway I hope you like it! Pt. 1 is linked above.

—-

It’s two weeks after Vecna when he gets his first one. It’s unexpected, impulsive even, but Steve needs to feel something. He has just spent the past week and half waiting for Eddie to wake up, staring at his pale form, wishing away the anxiety with every beep, beep, beep that comes from the heart monitor. Begging for this stupid, stupid man to wake up.

He isn’t really sure why he wanted Eddie to wake up. Sure the ruggrats love him, and there is the general sense of not wanting any innocent person to die on his watch, but Steve knows deep down it’s about something else. Or more like the potential of something else. He tries not to think about it too hard.

So during that first week and half of watching a comatose Eddie, Steve takes his time studying the man. Learning every curve, and every scar. And eventually, every visible tattoo he can see. They are interesting, not all of them good, but all very Eddie. It somehow makes them better. Some of them are messed up from the bat bites (ironically the bat tattoos remain untouched), but they add to his aesthetic if Steve is being honest with himself.

When Eddie wakes up after that week and a half, groggy and confused (especially towards the fact that Harrington is practically holding vigil at his bedside), the first thing Steve says to him is “Oh thank god you’re awake.” The second is “What the hell were you thinking?” Before Eddie proceeds to pass out again.

Later, when all of the doctors and family and friends have had their time with him, the third thing Steve says to Eddie is, “Tell me about your tattoos.”

And despite the fact half of them are mangled, Steve doesn’t think he has ever seen anyone light up that bright in his life. And when Eddie starts waving his hands in excitement, Steve can’t help but think that he’s never been so close to the sun before.

So, two weeks after Vecna, Steve makes a decision. Or again, if he’s being honest, an impulse. He finds old books in the library about tattoos (which aren’t very helpful), and finds zines hidden between the pages (much more helpful) on stick and pokes.

Steve shows up with supplies from Melvad’s (for a probably very dangerous tattoo kit) at Robin’s doorstep. “Robs, I need you to give me a tattoo.” Then she proceeds to spit all of her morning tea on him.

After a lot of shouting “Did you hit your head again dingus? Oh my god did you get into another fight? Are you having a break down? SPEAK STEVE.”

And a lot of convincing, “Robin I’m fine. No I’m not having a breakdown. Robs, Robbie, Birdie, I swear nothing happen. I just want to do it.”

The end up on Robin’s bathroom floor (because of course all important things happen on the bathroom floor), with a look of deep concentration on her face. “I can’t believe you’re letting me do this, with only twenty minutes from a zine you smuggled out of Hawkins Library. I can’t believe they even have zines.”

“I don’t think they were aware of it honestly.” Steve snorts. His shirt was off, a patch hair already shaved off right where is heart is placed.

“Do you know what you want?” Robin asks, head tilted.

“No, not really. I was hoping you would help.”

Robin hums, like she’s resisting the urge to point out how impulsive he’s being. Like she knows he needs to do this. “Tell me what made you decide to want one.”

So Steve does. He tell her about waiting for Eddie to wake up. Wondering why Eddie got them. Wanting to own himself again, to actually like something new on his body. Put something there he had control of. His curiosity of if it were painful. His interest behind the stories of Eddies tattoos. How Eddie lit up so bright when asked. Wanting to feel like that. Wanting to be close to the sun again.

Robin mercifully didn’t look too deeply (or at least didn’t push on it) about the interest in Eddie himself. “Okay, I think I got it. Just…hold still.”

Twenty minutes later, after three passes with pen ink and a needle, Robin disinfects his tattoo. Before she covers up, she asks “Do you want to see it?”

Steve nods his head eagerly. The tattoo had painful, more painful than he expected, but he found it sort of grounding. Something to keep him aware of himself, almost as if he was able to grasp parts of himself he wasn’t conscious of before.

When Steve stands up to look in the mirror, there he sees off center on his chest, a wonky little sun. It was something a preschooler could have drawn, but it was one of the most beautiful things Steve had ever seen, and it was made by one of the most important people in his life.

Robin says shyly at Steve’s speechless state, “You said you wanted to be close to the sun again.”

Steve scoops Robin up in an instant, ignoring the stinging both on the outside and inside of his chest. “Thank you Birdie.” Which translates, you are the only person I ever need etched in me forever.

“Always, Stevie.” Which means, you’re never getting rid of me anyway.

They pull away with tearful smiles, and silent promises. Steve can start to feel maybe not much like his old self, but somewhere on the way to who he truly is.

Then Robin says, “Okay, me next.”

————

okay I wasn’t sure if really anyone wanted more, or if I was going to do it but I actually really enjoyed where this ended up. Also I apologize for any tense changes. I quite literally type this on my phone and say screw it, without looking it over. Let me know if you want more maybe? Send me prompts even. Thanks for reading :)

[hard-core-super-star]

shock to your system [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: your move to new york isn't as panic-free as you would have hoped but thankfully, your girlfriend knows just what to do to help.

warnings: panic attack + general mentions/descriptions of anxiety; hailee being the sweetest person in the world even in stressful situations; cute cheesy fluff; one day i'll figure out how to write endings, i promise; me dragging new york again, i'm so sorry

wordcount: 1.3k

a/n: title (and inspiration) comes from shock to your system by tegan and sara, i cannot recommend the song enough, holy crap. this request by sent in via pm and it's slightly heavier on the anxiety side than some of my past works. important disclaimer: i've never experienced a panic attack before despite living with major anxiety so hopefully the descriptions aren't totally awful. hope you enjoy <3

* * * * * * *

You should’ve known better than to keep your growing anxiety to yourself. Despite the nagging feeling in the back of your mind, you had dismissed it at first. You were sure it was just the average amount of discomfort that comes with moving to a different city and because of it, you didn't say anything to your girlfriend.

Clearly, that had been a bad idea.

You didn’t know where it stemmed from but it was obvious the move to New York had left you a little more uneasy than you had anticipated. It’s not like you were a stranger to the city but living here is something completely different to visiting every few months. Everything about it is loud and overwhelming and incredibly different from the ocean-blue views of L.A that you’re so used to.

Not only were you dealing with the move, but you were also dealing with Hailee’s absence most days. Hawkeye had been picked up for a season 2, hence your hurried move to New York, and your girlfriend was on set pretty much every hour she was awake. She didn’t technically have the title of executive producer like she did with Dickinson but she certainly behaved like one, choosing to stay on set even when she didn’t have any scenes to film.

In hindsight, the signs were obvious. And yet you managed to ignore them over and over again until you finally snapped.

You had spent most of the week laying in bed and pretending like everything was fine. Hailee was distracted enough that she didn’t question you even when it was obvious you were avoiding things and you made no effort to fill her in on what was going on inside your mind. You didn’t see anything wrong with it…until today when your anxiety got way out of your control.

You don’t even know how it happened. One second you were fine, relaxing on the couch and texting your girlfriend who was on her way back to your apartment, and the next you felt the walls closing in on you. All it had taken to tip you over the edge into an ocean of panic was a genuinely sweet question from Hailee, an offer to go out tonight and explore the city together.

The mere thought of stepping foot outside of the walls of your new home was more than enough to make you spiral.

And spiral you did.

You’re not sure how much time passed, it felt like both an eternity and a second to your overwhelmed mind, but the tightness in your chest slowly increased until you were left gasping for breath.

You’re so lost in trying to remember how to properly breathe that you miss the sound of the door opening until the caring voice you love so much calls out for you. “y/n?”

You open your mouth to say something but all that comes out is a choked sob full of more desperation than sadness. You want to look up at Hailee but you feel frozen in place like all you can do is shake and struggle to get enough air into your lungs.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she says as she crosses the space between you until she’s kneeling in between your legs. “Can you look at me, baby?”

“Can’t- Too much-”

“Shh, I know, I know. Take your time, you’re safe, love.”

Her gentle hands come up to caress your face, her thumbs wiping away the tears you hadn’t even realized had been slipping out of your tired eyes. Her touch helps ground you despite the chaos swirling around your mind, almost as if she’s the only thing keeping you anchored to reality.

She moves slowly but she manages to help you lift your head enough to be able to look into the loving eyes you call home. “There we go. Focus on me, alright? I’m not going anywhere.”

You sort of mumble in agreement although the sound comes out slightly muffled and incoherent. Hailee doesn’t judge your panicked response and instead does her best to comfort you, keeping her eyes trained on your face for any subtle hints that the panic attack may be growing stronger. There’s an underlying sweetness to the moment that not even the demons in your mind can argue against.

You do your best to focus on the sweetness of the moment and the sheer warmth she radiates so effortlessly while you struggle to get your breathing back under control. It’s a slow process filled with Hailee’s whispered words of encouragement and soft caresses but eventually, your shaking subsides and your breath starts coming in somewhat steadier than before.

You feel as if you’ve run a marathon despite having been frozen in place for who knows how long. The relieved smile that spreads along your girlfriend’s face offers more solace than the air that fills your lungs. “Better?”

“Yeah.” Your voice is barely louder than a whisper but at least you can finally talk without hyperventilating. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she replies with a small shake of her head. “I’m just glad I could help you.”

You reach for her with shaky hands and she instantly understands your silent request. She joins you on the couch, her arm instantly wrapping around your waist and offering you more comfort than she could ever imagine. You shift your body toward her and rest your head against her shoulder while making sure to keep your breaths slow and deep.

A few moments of silence go by before Hailee speaks up, the question she asks breaking your heart a little. “y/n…why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t realize it had gotten so bad.” Your words are laced with both honesty and small traces of guilt. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, baby, I should’ve known.” Her grip on you tightens the slightest bit and it's obvious to you how genuine her concern is. It makes your heart flutter in your chest, the love that flows between you being more than enough to help your leftover discomfort disappear.

“Hailee, you’ve been so busy lately, it’s okay.”

“That’s not an excuse,” she argues. “I made you move here with me and then ditched you every day when I didn’t even need to be on set.”

You hate the way she blames herself but you know it’s only because she cares about you so much. It turns the whole situation into an easy pill to swallow. “Lee, I moved here with you because I wanted to. I love you, and I love New York, it’s just a lot to wrap my head around and that’s not your fault.”

She chuckles but the sound comes out a tad too deflated for your liking. “I’m supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around, love.”

“We can comfort each other. It doesn’t have to be a competition." You tilt your head slightly so you can gaze up at the proud owner of your heart. You pretend not to notice the thin layer of tears in her eyes, not wanting to spend any more time dwelling on the bad.

You're in your girlfriend's arms with nothing but time to spend with each other. And that's what matters to you.

"You...are way too sweet for your own good, you know that?"

She doesn't give you time to argue with her. Instead, she leans down and captures your lips with her own. You practically melt in her arms. After going almost a full day without her, this was heaven on Earth, you were sure of it.

You reluctantly pull away from the kiss, the smile on your face wider and more genuine than it's been all week. "I know you wanted to go out but how about we order pizza and watch a trashy rom-com?"

"You read my mind, baby."

[cozyfoxy]

Time is on Our Side Part 2

Both 2010 Dan and Phil go into the future this time. What could happen?

Warnings: Smut and a lot of it, mentions of depression/suicidal thoughts

Read on AO3

Read part ONE

November of 2010

For the past week or so, Dan had been struggling with his mental health. His anxiety was at an all-time high and his depression was so bad that he couldn’t force himself out of bed and into class most days. When Phil found out just how bad it was and that Dan hadn’t been sleeping, he put his foot down.

“I’m coming in a taxi to pick you up in thirty minutes. You’re going to spend the entire weekend with me so that I can help you sleep and feed you. Don’t argue, just pack your duffle bag, I’ll see you soon. I love you.” He had said as soon as his boyfriend had picked up his phone. Phil didn’t even give Dan time to respond, not wanting to be argued with.

Dan had groaned, but he pulled himself out of bed and packed his bag. He hated ccwhen Phil treated him like a child who couldn’t do anything for himself. Though he knew that he needed to be taken care of sometimes, he hated feeling weak in that way. It wasn’t often that Phil would order him around, he wasn’t controlling or anything, but when he did it made Dan feel stupid.

As Phil had promised, he was at Dan’s dorm in about a half hour and knocked on his boyfriend’s door. The younger man opened the door slowly, knowing that he looked as awful as he felt. His hair was curling and sticking out in random places, his eyes were red and puffy from crying and he hadn’t showered in a week. Surely, he smelled terrible.

“Hey love, ready to go?” Phil asked, taking Dan’s bag before pulling him into a bone-breaking hug.

Normally, Dan would push him away since they were in public. They were beginning to become more popular online and he didn’t want to risk being outed online. This time, however, he was so exhausted, so done with everything that he just melted into the warm blanket of Phil’s arms. More tears filled his brown eyes and splattered against Phil’s green hoodie like raindrops. “Let’s get you home,” Phil whispered, leading Dan down the stairs of the stale-smelling building. It was all so dull, so lifeless. It was no wonder that Dan’s mental health was hurting.

Dan smiled a bit at Phil’s words. Home… Dan didn’t live with Phil yet, but nowhere else felt more like home. Phil’s apartment had all of Dan’s favorite things, good snacks, cozy blankets, good movies, and of course, his Phil. Whenever he spent a few days with Phil, he always went back to his dorm feeling refreshed. It was like a clean slate each time.

“I can’t wait until my home really is with you,” Dan whispered when Phil opened the taxi door for him to climb inside.

Phil blushed at Dan’s words and climbed into the other side of the taxi, “soon bear, soon.” he had promised.

~

Phil walked into his apartment, lugging Dan’s worn-down black duffle bag over his shoulder. He propped the door open with his elbow and allowed his boyfriend to walk in behind him. When Phil set the duffle bag onto the floor, he pulled Dan over to the couch, “Let’s watch a movie. We can order pizza!”

Dan blinked and smiled sleepily, “Pizza sounds good actually, but I don’t want you to spend money on me. You already paid for the taxi.”

“Don’t worry baby, I just got paid from my video sponsor. The rent is already paid and everything. You deserve it.” Phil explained, cupping his boyfriend’s cheek softly.

Dan wanted to argue, he really did, but he knew Phil was just trying to help him. He struggled with letting himself be loved, he didn’t deserve it. He never felt like he loved Phil enough. He knew his feelings for the other man, he knew that he would bend over backwards just to make him smile, but he wasn’t sure how to show it.

This was the first time in Dan’s life that he had fallen in love. Sure, he had crushes and partners in the past, but it was never anything like this. This relationship felt different, it felt like something strong and everlasting. Even when they had spats, they never felt serious or harmful; and that scared Dan more than anything. What if Phil was too good for him? It felt like it more often than he liked.

“Do you want your usual?” Phil asked, kissing Dan’s cheek.

The brunette nodded and smiled, looking Phil up and down. He couldn’t wrap his head around Phil’s beauty, it was otherworldly. Dan could go swimming in his eyes, but he knew deep down that he would never come back up for air. Phil had somehow become just as important as breathing to Dan, maybe even more so. He so desperately wanted to tell Phil the words in his heart, but he just… couldn’t.

Phil placed the order for pizza excitedly, “I haven’t had pizza in a few months now.” He chuckled, “that’s gotta be some kind of record for me.”

“You had pizza without me?!” Dan asked in a joking tone, shaking his head in mock disbelief.

The older man blushed deeply, “no, well yes, but still no.”

Dan raised an eyebrow and sat up straighter on the sofa, “what do you mean?”

Surely he would remember having pizza with his boyfriend. They didn’t eat pizza together often, it was a treat. More often than not, Phil would make Dan scrambled eggs and toast when he came over. The last time that they had pizza, Phil was still living with his parents.

“Well… um, so you remember I said I was going to make that video a while ago, trying out one of my grandma’s spells?” Phil explained anxiously, his words blending together a bit.

Dan nodded slowly, “yeah…” Phil played with his hands, rubbing his fingers together as if he was going to snap them, “so, it worked. But I didn’t get to film it. I met you in the future. And myself too.” He rambled, looking at his feet. “They fed me pizza.”

The brunette blinked a couple of times before doubling over with a laugh, “Phil, you really had me thinking that I lost my memories or something for a minute. You spoon! Why are you pranking me?”

“It’s not a joke or anything Dan. I promise- I swear! It really happened, I even have proof.” Phil explained before rushing into his bedroom.

Dan was left sitting on the sofa with his mind running a thousand miles a minute. What was Phil on about? Phil knew that Dan was a skeptic. When Phil did the tarot reading, pulling the knight of wands was just a coincidence. Fate, soulmates, magic, ghosts, none of it was real. To Dan, everything that couldn’t be proven with his own eyes and science was just something made up by other humans to give them some kind of comfort.

Phil came running back into the lounge with a folded up piece of paper in his hand, tossing it to Dan excitedly, “when I got back from the future, I thought I had dreamed it and I was upset. But then, I found this in my pocket. Look, it’s your handwriting!”

“This is ridiculous Phil, time travel isn’t real. Magic isn’t real.” Dan argued dully, unfolding the piece of paper. The paper was a bit worn down, having obviously been opened and closed many times before. As Dan looked at the writing, he felt his blood run cold. It was his handwriting, there was no doubt about it. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought that he wrote it himself.

Dan blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what he was looking at, “Phil… what the hell? This has to be a joke.”

Phil shook his head lightly, “it’s not bear, I promise! They said something about you being with me next time, so maybe we can try the spell together? I can prove it to you. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll blow you. You’ll get something out of it.” Despite his annoyance, Dan blushed at Phil’s words. He didn’t want to try a spell that he knew wouldn’t work, but the promise of a blow job made it worth it in his eyes. He heaved a sigh and nodded in agreement, running his fingers through his admittedly greasy hair.

“Great! Why don’t you go shower before the pizza gets here? I’ll get everything for the spell set up.” Phil offered softly, placing a soft kiss to Dan’s forehead.

Dan huffed playfully, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I know I smell like shit.”

Phil chuckled and nodded in agreement before pulling some sweatpants and a shirt from Dan’s bag, “there’s a towel set out for you already and a clean washcloth in the shower.”

“Oh… thank you babe, I love you.” Dan whispered, feeling his neck and ears heat up at his own words.

Phil smiled brightly, “I love you too silly, now go. Get nice and clean.” ~ A little over an hour later, Phil and Dan were sitting across from each other holding hands. Phil had already lit the candles and rehearsed the familiar words of the spell with Dan. Since both of them were trying to travel into the future, it made the most sense to Phil that they say the spell at the same time.

“Are you ready?” Phil asked with a small smirk, sending Dan’s heart into overdrive.

Dan truly didn’t believe that the spell would work, but he was feeling nervous. His mind was filled with the possibility of it actually working. What would happen? Would he actually be able to see himself in the future? Did he even have a future? What would Phil be like in the future?

“Yeah, as ready as I’ll ever be.” Dan hummed teasingly.

Both men counted down from three before saying the spell outloud three times, one after the other. As before, nothing seemed amiss in the room around them. Nothing looked or felt any different than before.

“You know Philly, if you wanted to suck me off all you had to do was ask.” Dan teased, moving to stand out of the circle only to be pulled back down by Phil.

Suddenly, the strong scent of cinnamon and pine trees surrounded both men. Phil giggled and winked at Dan knowingly, “it’s working!”

Dan froze and clung to Phil’s hands, “what?! Wait, what’s going on?!”

A bright light flashed in front of them both, making them shut their eyes tightly. ~ Dan opened his eyes with a soft groan, his vision still blurry from sleep. What a weird dream. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, Phil curled up into his side. He heard voices, had Phil left the TV on? No… Phil was talking to someone.

The brunette sat up quickly, his eyes widening. He and Phil were sitting on the floor of a place that he didn’t recognize. A large, real christmas tree was perched carefully in the corner of the room, decorated in a variety of different ornaments. He quickly recognized one, the our first Christmas ornament with his and Phil’s name engraved. A gift that Phil had given him just a week ago because he couldn’t wait until December.

“Looks like someone finally woke up.” A deep voice said with a laugh, startling Dan.

He peeked around Phil and gasped. On the large couch in front of them were two men. One with curly brown hair and uncomfortably familiar brown eyes. The other man was curled into the curly haired man’s side, obviously not wanting to be talked to. No… the spell had worked?

Dan stuttered a few times before rubbing his temples, “I… I’m dreaming. This can’t be happening.” “I told you Dan, that’s what you get for not believing me.” Phil giggled, pulling his boyfriend into a hug happily.

The older Dan laughed, “I was always such a skeptic. Welcome back Philly, and welcome to you Danny. Phil here isn’t having the best mental health day, it’s just been a lot today. Meetings, video calls, editing videos, it takes a lot out of him. I’m going to run him a bath, you two are free to join us.”

“When I was here last time they decided to call me Philly so that we wouldn’t get confused or anything. While you were asleep we decided to call you Danny for now.” Philly explained to Danny softly, kissing his cheek.

Danny nodded slowly before looking at his older self in awe, “Um… I don’t want to invade your privacy. We can stand down here.”

“None of that. Come with me and help me run the bath. I know you have a lot of questions for me. The Phils can stay down here.” Dan explained, gently laying Phil down on the couch completely before kissing his nose.

Danny bit his lip and nodded, hugging his Phil before standing up nervously. He looked up at himself from the future, shocked by his height. He never expected to be taller than Phil one day. He wasn’t sure that he liked it, he always liked feeling small next to his boyfriend.

Dan led Danny up the stairs and into a large master bedroom with an ensuite bathroom. Dan went to the walk-in closet and pulled out a soft looking, deep blue robe and some fuzzy socks before walking into the bathroom to start the water. Danny followed him nervously, feeling like he was in trouble, though he did nothing wrong.

“So, I’m assuming this is your house? Like you and Phil own it?” Danny mumbled, chewing on his thumb nail.

Dan chuckled and nodded, “we had it built just for us. A new build. We live on the outskirts of London, just like we always talked about.” Danny nodded slowly, looking at his feet, “so, you know how to take care of Phil.” he whispered.

“Yeah, fifteen years with someone teaches you a lot Danny. It took him a long time to actually accept that I wanted to take care of him. You know how he is, he always wants to be the strong one. But now, he lets me treat him like royalty, especially when he needs it. It took a lot of time, patience and communication. Trust me, it didn’t happen overnight.” Dan explained with a smile, tossing two towels onto the countertop.

Danny rubbed his arm with a sigh, “I just feel like I don’t love him properly. Like I love him so fucking much but I don’t know how to show it. I feel selfish and stupid because I can’t figure it out. He’s my partner but I feel like I take more than I give.”

“Danny, you’re barely nineteen. You’ve got years to figure it all out. It’s all about give and take. One day you take more and the next he’ll take more. Some days he’ll give seventy five percent and you can only give twenty five. It’s all about balance.” Dan explained with a chuckle, “but since you and Philly are here, I can show you one way that I take care of him. I think you’ll like it.”

When the tub was halfway full, Dan dropped in a bath bomb and led Danny back down the stairs, “Come on bubby, the bath is nearly ready. It’s okay if young Phan joins us, right?”

Phil giggled and nodded, “that’s okay. As long as they don’t mind seeing me naked.”

Both Danny and Philly turned bright red at Phil’s words. Danny held onto his boyfriend’s hand nervously. He didn’t want to admit it outloud, but older Phil was one of the most gorgeous men he had ever seen in his life. Phil definitely aged like fine wine.

“I’m okay with it, I mean it’s just myself.” Philly giggled, “are you okay with it?” He asked, looking down at his boyfriend. Danny nodded shyly, “Yeah… nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Dan chuckled and led all three men back up the stairs. He had Phil sit on the edge of the bed before carefully unbuttoning the man’s shirt and sliding it off his shoulders. He did the same with Phil’s socks before turning his attention to his pajama pants. Dan placed a soft kiss to Phil’s lips before helping him move his hips, pulling his partner’s pants and underwear off in one fluid motion.

Danny hid his face in Philly’s neck, feeling his entire body heat up. He knew that if he looked for too long, he would get a boner. He didn’t want to embarrass himself today, especially not in front of himself.

“Damn, I’m pretty hot.” Philly laughed softly, holding Danny protectively.

Dan chuckled softly, “you have no idea.” He teased, leading Phil into the bathroom and helping him sit in the tub.

Danny and Philly sat on the floor of the bathroom, while Dan grabbed a washcloth and used it to wash Phil’s shoulders and neck, occasionally pausing just long enough to kiss Phil softly. Danny couldn’t help but watch in complete awe of the situation. Phil was the one being pampered, but he couldn’t deny that his older self looked relaxed too.

After Dan rinsed the suds from the body wash off of Phil, he used his soap covered hand to rub Phil’s tummy and down to his crotch. Phil moaned so quietly that Danny barely heard it, but it sent his blood straight down to his cock. Beside him, Philly tensed up, watching the scene in front of him intently. He felt like he was looking at something he shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t look away.

“I like to work him up in the tub. It helps him relax, especially with the warm water. The gentle touches get him the most. Like, if I stroke his cock with just the tips of my fingers, like this.” Dan explained, petting Phil’s hardening cock with just the tips of three fingers, “He’ll start to lose his reserves.”

Phil whimpered in the tub, biting his bottom lip softly as Dan continued to stroke him with soft touches. Danny watched intently, making mental notes. He and Philly had only ever gone fast and hard, always too eager to feel each other. They didn’t have the patience to take their time. Maybe he needed to try it.

Philly panted softly beside Danny, the view in front of him making him melt. He could feel himself hardening in his jeans, but he was too far gone to care. If someone saw him getting worked up, so be it. This was one of the hottest things he had ever seen.

“Here Danny, give it a try.” Dan offered, standing up and drying off his hands.

Danny looked at Philly, silently asking permission before moving.

“It’s okay with me, bear.” He blushed, “I want to watch.”

Danny kissed him softly before standing up and kneeling beside the tub, nervously lathering his hand with body wash. He had never touched a man so much older than him, and the thought alone was enough to make him full with want. With nervous fingers, he began to stroke Phil slowly.

“Mmm, just a bit more pressure love.” Phil instructed softly, a smile on his face.

Danny nodded and applied more pressure obediently, earning a soft moan from the man in front of him. Danny felt himself surge with pride.

Dan sat next to Philly on the floor with a smile, leaning to whisper in his ear, “you like this, don’t you? Watching your boyfriend learn how to pleasure you? I see how hard you’re getting. It’s turning me on baby. I bet you wish I was touching you right now.”

Philly whimpered and crossed his legs, trying to hide how turned on he was. Dan was right, he wanted to be touched. He wanted to be worshiped. He wanted to be the one in the tub, exposed to the other men in the room.

“Don’t hide your pretty body, love. That’s it, just relax.” Dan whispered, pushing Philly’s knees apart gently.

Meanwhile Phil was panting and writhing in the tub, wanting nothing more than to thrust his hips for more friction. He knew that if he did, that this feeling would end too quickly. So he stayed still, allowing the inexperienced nineteen year old to strong him.

“Alright, that’s enough for now. Let me get Phil dried off and dressed, then I can show you how to give him a massage.” Dan hummed, standing up to let the water out of the tub.

Danny blushed and stepped away from the tub, moving into his boyfriend’s arms. He leaned against Philly, feeling embarrassed and a bit shameful. He had touched another man in front of his boyfriend. Well, not really another man, but someone who wasn’t the same man he was cuddling up to. It was devious and wrong, but it turned him on greatly.

“I never imagined something like this would happen.” Philly whispered with a soft giggle, “well, maybe in my weirdest fantasies.”

Danny gasped softly, “you’ve thought about this?” He asked in a whisper.

Philly nodded, pushing his black fringe from his eyes, “a few times. The thought of being fucked by you in the future while you suck me off has come to mind a few times. I’ve also thought of you fucking me while I suck future you off and older me fucks you.” He explained, hiding his face in his boyfriend’s hair.

Danny stuttered a few times, his cock fully hard in his sweatpants now. He couldn’t fight it off, no matter how many times he tried to ignore what was happening around him. He tried desperately to think about the essay that he needed to be working on, but nothing could possibly distract him.

Dan walked out of the bathroom, with the two towels that he had used to dry Phil off with. He was back within a minute without the towels and grabbed Phil’s hand, “you know the drill bub, hands and knees on the bed. I put the pillow down for you. Make sure that you’re over the towel.”

Phil nodded and kissed Dan deeply, “yes sir. Thank you sir.”

Philly blushed deeply as the words his future self used. Sir… it had a nice ring to it. He and Danny hadn’t used any names like that in the bedroom or anything before, but maybe they should.

“Alright Philly, would you like to join my Phil on the bed? He’ll show you how to position yourself. If you decide to, I’ll be touching you. Is that okay? With both of you? Phil and I have already talked about it, but we all have to be okay with it.” Dan explained, kneeling in front of his past self. He squeezed Philly’s hand in reassurance.

Philly looked at Danny with a shy smile, “I think I want to try. If it’s okay with you.”

“Of course it’s okay with me baby. As long as I get to help.” Danny smiled, nuzzling his boyfriend’s neck.

Dan stood up with a smile, “okay let’s get you naked first.”

Philly nodded and bit his bottom lip before going to pull his shirt off. Dan grabbed his wrist gently to stop him, pushing his hand to his side.

“No love, stripping you is our job. Danny, watch and learn.” Dan chuckled, using one hand to pin Philly’s hands above his head.

Slowly, Dan used his other hand to pull Philly’s shirt up just enough to show his tummy, “pull his pants down just enough to show his hips. Then I want you to bite his hips. Bite, lick, suck, kiss. It will ruin him. Won’t it beautiful?” Dan smirked, nuzzling the younger man’s cheek with his own.

Danny nodded and got onto his knees, pulling Philly’s pants down just a bit. He smiled when Philly took in a sudden deep breath. He quickly placed a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s hip, sucking the skin just enough to leave a mark. Above him, Philly was whimpering pitifully, his legs beginning to shake. Danny used one of his hands to massage Philly’s other hip, all while Dan placed gentle kisses on his neck.

“See? He loves it. Don’t you Philly?” Dan asked, releasing the younger man’s hands before pulling his shirt off completely, “I can’t wait to show you what I’ve learned. Things you can’t even imagine, beautiful. And I’m going to teach Danny here everything, so you can be treated like a princess.”

Philly whimpered and rubbed his thighs together, desperate for something to relieve the pressure that he felt. Danny smirked against the soft, pale skin of his hips before biting down suddenly, eliciting a loud moan from his boyfriend. Danny stood back up and kissed Philly deeply while Dan pulled philly’s pants off completely.

“Alright Philly, go into the bedroom. There’s a towel and pillow for you. Phil will show you what to do. Just relax with him for a minute, we’ll be right out.” Dan chuckled, sending Philly on his way.

Dan looked down at Danny with a smirk, “see how sexy he is? How sexy he stays? That’s all yours and he knows it. He belongs to you, and you belong to him. Show him that you want every piece of him. Tonight I’m going to show you how to milk him.”

Danny’s eyes widened, “but… what if I’m not good enough at it? I’ve never done it before. What if it’s not good for him?”

“Ah, I forgot how much I used to doubt myself all the time. It won’t be perfect the first time, it takes practice. But at least I can show you how to do it. It will be the best orgasm of his life.” Dan explained.

Danny nodded and took a deep breath. Dan grabbed his hand, pulling him into the bedroom easily. On the bed were both Phils, laying down on their chests with their asses up in the air. They both rested their heads on pillows and a towel set right beneath their cocks. Danny felt his cock twitch in his pants once again, precum wetting his underwear.

Dan walked to the closet again and grabbed a large bottle of lube. Danny recognized it easily as the same cherry lube that he and Philly used all the time. It was his favorite as it worked well and tasted nice.

“Surprised? Don’t fix what’s not broken.” Dan chuckled, leading Danny over to the men on the bed.

Danny looked at his boyfriend shyly, taking in his flustered face. Philly was holding hands with Phil as if he were nervous. Hell, he probably was nervous. Danny and Philly had sex regularly, but it had never felt quite this intimate.

“Go ahead and take your shirt off Danny, you know how messy this lube is.” Dan instructed, pulling his own shirt off.

The younger man quickly pulled his shirt off, tossing it to the carpeted floor with a soft thud. He looked up at Dan expectantly, trying not to look at his toned stomach and arms. It was the body he had dreamed of having for years, but he never had the motivation to go to the gym.

Dan caught his eyes and smirked, tilting his chin up with the tips of his fingers, “oh Danny, see how hot you get when you take care of yourself? It’s worth it, trust me.”

Danny felt his jaw go slack as he stared into the eyes of the man he would become. The man that he would grow to be, all because he didn’t give up. He suddenly felt more at ease, more comfortable with his life.

“Alright, just follow my lead.” Dan instructed, walking over to his partner on the bed.

Danny walked closer to get a good look as Dan began to kiss Phil’s inner thighs, sucking the skin softly while using his hands to spread Phil’s cheeks. Phil whimpered beneath him, squeezing Philly’s hand softly as he did. Dan chuckled and grabbed the lube, rubbing it between his fingers to warm it up.

“Come on Danny, open Philly up. We can’t milk him if we can’t get inside.” Dan laughed softly.

Danny walked over to his boyfriend and shyly peppered his cheeks with soft kisses, only pausing for a moment to pull at the skin with his teeth. The breathy whimpers that he earned made warmth build up in the bottom of his stomach. His cock twitched again in his underwear, making him shudder.

“Good boy, now here’s some lube. You’re going to use your tongue too. I’ll show you first.” Dan explained softly, his voice sounding deeper than before.

In a moment, Danny’s fingers were covered in the cherry lube. The smell penetrated his nostrils, making him lick his lips. He watched intently as Dan used his lubed up pointer finger to trace around Phil’s rim. Phil trembled from the touch, his jaw completely slack as he panted softly. Dan slipped his finger in slowly, twisting it around the tight muscle.

“Good job bubby, just relax. Think of how good it’s going to feel. Three fingers inside you, right against your prostate. Tasting you with my tongue. I can’t wait to taste you baby. Danny here is watching. He’s going to see you melt against my touches, he’s going to see just how fucking beautiful you are when you cum.” Dan purred, thrusting his finger slowly before adding another.

Phil moaned loudly, “Dan, it already feels so good. Please… I need more.”

“Soon my love, soon. We can have Philly left out. Go ahead Danny, give it a try.” Dan ordered, still thrusting his finger gently.

Danny nodded eagerly and traced his lubed finger around his boyfriend’s rim, applying just a bit of pressure. Philly whined beneath him, wiggling his ass a bit. Danny licked his lips, slowly pushing his finger in and thrusting it gently.

“Mmm, oh god.” Philly moaned breathily.

Dan hummed, “good, now add your tongue Danny. Like this.”

Dan continued to finger Phil, speeding up the pace just a bit. He leaned down, tracing his partner’s rim with his tongue before adding it beside his finger. When Phil moaned beneath him, Dan thrust his tongue and finger in time together.

Danny blushed and took a deep breath. He wasn’t against rimming, not in the slightest, but he was inexperienced. Blow jobs, he was good at. He had given and received plenty. What if he wasn’t good enough?

He nervously bent forward and swirled his tongue around Philly’s hole before sliding it in next to his finger. He tried to get a rhythm, a good timing but it seemed impossible. Though Philly was panting and wiggling, it didn’t seem like enough.

Dan hummed, “good try. It’ll take a lot of practice to get it right. Here, let me try.”

Danny hung his head in embarrassment before nodding, switching spots with the older version of himself. He stood in between the men on the bed, being sure to stay out of the way.

“Make yourself useful Danny. Stroke them, suck them, do something.” Dan scolded softly before licking around Philly’s hole.

Danny blushed deeply, watching how his boyfriend’s hips thrust at the feeling of being touched so intimately. Just watching the man he loved so dearly in so much pleasure sent a jolt of electricity to his cock. He took a deep breath before sliding himself on his back, onto the bed. He quickly took his boyfriend’s cock in his mouth, using his right hand to stroke Phil slowly.

Both Phils moaned loudly at the touch, making Danny whimper. His sweats felt too constricting. His cock ached against the fabric, and he felt like he could cum any minute.

Dan pulled his mouth away from philly’s hole and smirked, “now this is fucking hot. Look at you, pleasuring two men at once. You’re getting off on it huh?”

Danny whined against his boyfriend’s cock, rubbing his thighs together in desperation. He felt like he was going insane. He was so turned on that his mind was an array of nothing. All that Danny could focus on was the taste of precum on his tongue, the moans of the men beside him and Dan’s words.

Suddenly, Dan moved in front of Danny, pulling off the younger man’s sweats and underwear in a fluid motion, freeing his aching cock. Danny pulled off of his boyfriend’s cock to moan at the freedom. He reached his spare hand to touch himself, only to be stopped by Dan.

“Not yet, this is about them right now. You’ll get your chance. I’m going to milk them both at the same time. Your job is to stroke them while I do.” Dan ordered, sliding two fingers into both Phils.

Danny nodded eagerly, taking a cock in each hand and stroking. His boyfriend moaned his name softly and thrust his hips, while future Phil whimpered and stayed in place. Dan expertly thrust his fingers, finding both men’s prostates with ease. The room was filled with loud moans and pants suddenly, making Danny stroke faster.

“Fuck… Oh fuck!” Philly moaned out, his cheek buried into the pillow.

Dan chuckled, “are you going to cum already baby? Danny, get your mouth on his pretty cock, take his cum.”

Danny smiled and nodded eagerly, moving his head to suck his boyfriend’s cock. He sucked softly on the head while Dan thrust his fingers harder before using them to rub Philly’s prostate. Danny sucked harder, bobbing his head up and down slowly, using his tongue to focus on the tip.

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna cum.” Philly cried out, tears glistening on his eyelashes.

Danny moaned and suddenly cum shot into his mouth, making him choke a bit before swallowing it. Above him, Philly was still whimpering and crying, clearly overwhelmed with pleasure. Danny pulled his softening cock from his mouth gently and cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks, wiping the stray tears.

“Are you alright love?” Danny asked, feeling worried.

Philly nodded and closed his eyes with a smile, “that was the hardest I’ve cum in my life.”

“Alright baby, lay down and rest for now. Danny, it’s Phil’s turn. You’re going to take his cum like a good boy, and maybe you’ll be rewarded. If you can’t handle it, then no reward. Got it?” Dan asked with a smirk, pulling his fingers from philly gently.

Danny nodded, “I can do it.” He promised, crawling underneath Phil and taking his cock in his mouth.

The young brunette moaned around Phil’s cock before bobbing his head slowly, taking more and more of him in with each movement. Phil whimpered above him as Dan added a third finger into his, thrusting without mercy.

Phil’s legs shook violently as Dan held pressure on his prostate, watching his face carefully. Danny sucked harder, taking all of Phil down his throat proudly, his nose buried in his pubic hair. All he could smell was cherries and musk.

“He’s about to cum, be ready.” Dan ordered, suddenly thrusting his fingers hard and fast into his partner.

Phil moaned loudly and thrust his hips, though he had nowhere to go. Danny’s mouth was suddenly filled with a second load of cum which he swallowed more easily than before. He continued to suck Phil’s cock until it softened and he pulled off shyly.

As soon as Danny moved, Phil collapsed completely on the bed beside Philly who was already asleep. Both men looked so at ease that it made Danny bubble with jealousy. What would it be like to have such a hard orgasm that you felt that relaxed?

“Alright Danny, you did good. Stand up.” Dan chuckled, pulling him off of the bed.

Danny stood on shaky legs, his cock still red and aching. He bit his lip and watched Dan closely, unsure of what he was planning.

“I’m proud of you. You made two beautiful men cum and swallowed all of it. You took care of them, just like they needed. Now you know, you can love Phil, even if you think you don’t know how. It’s not that hard, just do what feels right. Now, how about a little bit of self love?” Dan asked softly, getting on his knees in front of Danny.

For the first time, Danny realized that Dan wasn’t wearing pants anymore either. His cock stood at attention, precum glistening on the tip. Danny couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight.

Before he even had time to react, Dan’s lips were wrapped around his cock, making him throw his head back. Danny pushed his sweaty fringe from his forehead while panting. He fought the urge to thrust his hips, instead burying his fingers into Dan’s curly hair.

Dan looked up at him with hooded eyes, swallowing his cock down entirely with practiced ease. Danny moaned, “you keep that up and I won’t last long.”

Dan pulled off slowly, a string of saliva connecting his mouth to Danny’s cock, “you won’t last long no matter what I do.”

Danny rolled his eyes, “lay on the carpet.”

“Oh, bossy are we? Okay fine, I’ll humor you.” Dan laughed, laying on his back on the plush carpet.

Without thinking too hard about it, Danny straddled Dan’s hips, lining their cocks up together. He reached for the discarded bottle of lube on the floor beside them and lubed his hand up before wrapping it around them both. He slowly thrust his hips, moaning at the new sinsation.

“Oh fuck, I haven’t done this in years.” Dan moaned, grabbing Danny���s shoulders tightly.

Danny panted and thrust his hips feverishly, stroking his hand clumsily as he moved. The room was filled with the filthy sound of skin on skin and their broken moans. Suddenly, Dan grabbed Danny’s hips and helped him thrust, making the both of them shake.

“That’s it, just like that. I’m going to cum, fuck, fuck!” Dan moaned, shaking with the orgasm that overtook him.

Danny panted and thrust his hips a few more times before cumming as well, the cum landing on Dan’s chest. Danny collapsed on top of his future self with a whimper, the orgasm causing his legs to shake. Wordlessly, Dan held him, rubbing his back until he came down from his high.

“You took control. That was surprising, but nice. Let’s get all of us cleaned up, yeah?” Dan whispered with a smile, watching Danny stand up.

Danny nodded and looked over to the bed where both Phil and Philly were fast asleep in each other’s arms. He couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. He should be the one holding his boyfriend like that, but instead he was getting off with another man, even if that man was himself. Was it technically masturbation?

“Stop thinking so hard. Trust me, Phil knows how much you love him. He’ll always know. And if he ever forgets, you’ll always be able to remind him.” Dan promised softly before leading Danny back into the bathroom.

Danny sighed and shook his head, “It’s not that… Well it’s part of it. I’m mostly just in shock you know?”

“That this time travel thing is real? Yeah I was too. Phil remembers his travels, we don’t remember as much. I didn’t remember this happening but I’m glad it did.” Dan laughed, wetting a clean washcloth with warm water.

The younger brunette blushed, “um, no. I mean I am shocked and I’m still not completely convinced it’s not a dream. But I’m mostly surprised that I have a future. I always thought I would’ve killed myself before I could have a real future.” Danny whispered, sitting on the toilet lid.

Dan froze and looked at his younger self. For the first time in years, he saw the hopelessness, the anger and the hurt in those brown eyes. He sighed and used the warm cloth to wipe off his chest before doing the same to Danny.

“Sometimes I forget how hard it was. But trust me, it gets so much better. Things happen that you couldn’t even imagine! Sure, bad things happen too sometimes, life isn’t perfect. But it’s so worth it. Hell, you go on to write a mental health help book! You do get better, you don’t become normal but you get better. And trust me, it’s hard. But you do it. Phil helps so much and you both grow as people, as lovers and as entertainers together. Drop out of law school. It’s scary but do it. I know you’ve thought about it.” Dan rambled, squeezing the younger man’s hand.

Danny sniffled and nodded, “I believe you… this is just a lot I guess. I never thought I would do anything worth while. I never thought that Phil could love someone like me, especially this long, it’s-”

“Dan? What’s wrong?” Philly asked, running into the bathroom and pulling his boyfriend into his arms, “are you regretting what happened? I’m sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t have done the spell. I’m so sorry-”

Dan kissed him softly to shut him up, cupping his cheek, “It’s nothing like that babe. I’m just in my head right now. I’m just happy that we stay together and make a name for ourselves.”

Philly relaxed slowly and nodded, kissing his boyfriend’s cheek, “I always knew that we would.”

“And, I love you. I love you so damn much Phil, I know I’m not the best at showing it or saying it even. But I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person.” Danny whispered, tears springing in his eyes again.

Philly froze, staring into his lover’s eyes before flinging himself into Danny’s arms, “I love you too. So damn much.”

Beside them, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil happily, “Let’s all go to the lounge and watch a movie or something. It’s getting close to midnight and the spell will wear off anyways, right love?”

Phil nodded and chuckled, “yeah, so we should make the best of it. I’ll make popcorn!” ~ A few hours later, Dan woke up next to Phil on the sofa, wrapped up in his arms. He sighed happily, staring at the Christmas tree with a sleepy smile. Phil stirred in his arms and yawned, turning to look at him.

“They went back home, eh?” Dan asked, a yawn overtaking him.

Phil giggled and nodded, “they did. It’s almost three in the morning now. I’ll miss them, but hopefully things will be easier for them this time around.”

“Do we ever see them again?” Dan asked, rubbing his nose against Phil’s with a content sigh.

The older man chuckled, “for a skeptic, you sure seem hopeful that we do.”

Dan shrugged and smiled, “what can I say?”

[wellness-university]

Journaling for Students

Have you ever wanted to expel the hundreds of thoughts running through your mind? Or how about a place to note down your upcoming assignments so you can stop turning them in late?

Instead of speaking out loud to someone, journaling can be a different way to brain dump. 

Journaling is helpful for diminishing feelings of stress and anxiety because it’s a focused activity. When you are focused on a task, your brain tends to center in on that task and forget everything else. Especially when writing.

But journaling isn’t only used for brain dumping. It can also be used to track your habits and schedule activities. So, let’s dive into journaling and how we can use it as a tool for our organization and mental health. 

How to Journal Mental Health

As I mentioned before, writing is a task that requires focus. If you find yourself stressed, doing something like a puzzle or playing a video game could help you calm down.

The main difference between those activities and journaling is that when you journal, you can address the feelings that are bothering you. There are two main methods of journaling:

1. Intentionally writing about a specific topic or prompt 

2. Writing whatever comes to mind

These are the most popular ways to journal for mental health. I’d recommend practicing each of them and seeing which one fits your situation best. And you don’t have to stick to just one way of journaling. In fact, it might help you focus more when you try a new format every few weeks. Some formats are more beneficial depending on your situation.

Let me make it clear - there is no set way to journal. That’s something you have to figure out yourself. You can purchase a plain journal with lined pages to write or even a journal with blank pages to draw. But here are a few prompts you can follow if you want to journal for your mental health:

- What is making you anxious? Is it logical to feel this way?

- Write to a version of your past self. What would you tell them now?

- Think of something that worried you in the past. How was it resolved? Are you still worried about it now? And if so, has it gotten any better?

- Write about everything that you’re grateful for. When writing, don’t rush. Stay on a topic as long as you want and try to actually “feel” the gratitude. 

How to Journal for Organization

Many students use a planner or an agenda to write in their assignments and homework. Agendas are a useful tool because they’re usually in a calendar format, which can be helpful for visual learners. But there’s a difference between writing due dates in an agenda and actually planning on how to accomplish those tasks.

If you’ve ever frantically scrambled through your agenda to find that you don’t have the assignment that was supposed to be turned in, then I recommend using a journal to time block your day. If you’ve never heard of time blocking, it really isn’t anything complicated.

But it changed my life.

Seeing my day mapped out in the morning soothed my running thoughts. In a way, I became my own personal assistant because I knew exactly what events or tasks were planned for the day.

Time blocking is a system that dictates your tasks at each hour of the day. Before you time block, you should have a to-do list so you know what you have to accomplish that day. Here’s how to do it: 

1. On the left side of your page, write in each individual hour starting from when you wake up to when you go to sleep

2. Fill in the tasks you’re doing that day at their specified times. Start with classes or other activities that happen at times you can’t control

3. Use your to-do list to fill in the rest of the day

When filling out the rest of your day, try using your knowledge of your own habits. Are you more productive in the evening, afternoon, or morning? If you have the option, write in your toughest tasks during those productive times. This will make you life a lot easier and help you enjoy checking off your to-do list. 

How to Track your Habits with Journaling

If you’re interested in tracking your habits, you should invest in a bullet journal. Bullet journal pages are formatted with a grid instead of being lined. This allows you to draw different templates and be as creative as you want with them. 

This is why they’re so wonderful for tracking personal patterns.

Students who tend to use different colored highlighters, pens, and stickers will find success with bullet journaling. This is because most habit trackers tend to have boxes to fill in with a color once you’ve completed the task. For example, let’s say you’re tracking each day you go to the gym. In your bullet journal, use the grid paper to draw the shape of the month’s calendar with boxes. After going to the gym, fill in the box with a highlighter of your choice.

There are plenty of YouTube videos on different templates you can do and how to set up your journal for each month. Here are a few ideas of what you can track in your bullet journal:

- How much sleep you’re getting every night

- Daily goals 

- Long-term goals 

- Studying for exams

Journaling as a Student

Journaling is a habit that I've built over five years. There were some semesters where I’d set up a month of trackers in my bullet journal, and I’d come back three months later to unused, dusty pages. Even if you’re not consistent with journaling, that isn’t a reason not to do it. 

Like I mentioned before, the act of journaling is a focused activity. Make sure that you allot a specific amount of time for your journaling sessions. This will make it feel like a personal routine. 

So, go grab your highlighters and favorite pen. It’s time to soothe your mind and stay ahead of your classes!

[arttheclown]

paragraphs of bad mental health stuff under the cut don’t mind me 💀

i love finishing school and realizing i truly need to begin adulthood and focusing on things like building a writing CV and getting my driver’s license and most importantly breaking away from my severely controlling & emotionally abusive mother and then just. every bad fucking thing from the last 10 years hitting me in the face lol. my father’s deterioration and death and a really violent incident with him i don’t like to talk about. a lifetime of my mother micromanaging nearly everything i do, abusing me, gaslighting me, and refusing to let me grow up to this day. a string of abusive and manipulative codependent friendships that ended in ugly and sometimes public falling-outs. my grandpa dying in march and my grandma having to live on her own now. having to see my sister go through a lot of the same shit that i have and desperately hoping she can be helped in time so she’s not 2 years away from being 30 and just falling the fuck apart lol

i’ve spent so many years saying i’m fine and i’ll get over it and move through it but everything has gone still right now. i can’t run anymore. i physically cannot lie and downplay things and say i’m fine anymore. i am unable. i have become a people-pleaser to the point where doing things purely for myself — sometimes knowing i’m the one who gets more out of it than anyone else — is a foreign concept to me. i cannot do things anymore if i feel i’m mostly doing them to just please someone else because then i start panicking & i know that’s progress but god!!! it feels like shit!!! these growing pains hurt so bad!!! and then i start agonizing over potentially disappointing people and uugghuhh i don’t like it. i don’t like it at all.

i want to do things but everything feels so fucking terrifying right now. realizing the extent that i’ve been traumatized is miserable and i don’t even like admitting it because then i feel like i’m lying or trying to get attention. i don’t know if i have fucking ptsd because that’s such a severe disorder but at the very least i’m going through a period where even little things petrify me & sometimes just getting through a day feels like an accomplishment. i love food and i’ve been agonizing over making sure i’m nourished properly on top of dealing with selective eating that i’m almost positive is because of my autism. i am a small person — if i lose any more weight i will get sick and that frightens me. and i’m painfully aware that the reason this is probably happening in the first place is because i am so used to worrying about SOMETHING that my mind can’t accept peace and is now inventing issues and it sucks. this isn’t a new issue for me but it sucks. it feels like hypervigilance or something. idk.

i kept hoping that maybe i would bounce back on my own like i’ve done in the past and maybe i can but i don’t know if i’m able to waiting and how many pep talks i can keep giving myself, nor do i want to constantly rely on others for comfort. i’m fortunate enough that i live in a part of the world where i don’t have to pay for doctor’s appointments so i might just go and see if mine can get me some help because 🥴 i don’t know how many bad weeks i am capable of having right now! i’m gonna be honest!

it’s going to suck likely paying for therapy. it’s going to suck potentially finding a new therapist if it turns out i’m uncomfortable with the one i’ve had since childhood because don’t get me wrong he’s a nice man but i don’t know if he even recognizes i’m autistic on top of other things lol. i really do not want to end up on anxiety medication or antidepressants and want to believe self-medicating with weed is enough but i don’t know anymore.

i just needed to write these feelings out somewhere. i can’t silently carry them with me anymore. they’re too heavy. i hope things get even a little easier soon.

[seancamerons]

I have reason to believe something is going on that is kind of weird.

I’ve been waking up early lately for the past couple of weeks. I go to bed late, and don't feel tired with or without coffee. My eyes are burning, tingling as well as my cheeks. Idk if its because I started wearing my prescription glasses 2 years ago because my eyes have been hurting for several days lately. My eyes tear all the time. I believe I could be allergic to ingredients in some mascaras, I end up looking like a racoon or have to constantly wipe away fallout and prevent my eyes from burning. I’ve been putting more effort into my appearance, make up, hair and dress. I have all these ideas buzzing around my brain, I want to make xmas cards and such but I feel weird about all of this. I’m always avoiding being depressed or trying to keep my mind upbeat but Im feeling like this, in my gut is scary and possibly a potential warning. No naps the past couple of weeks. No depression, feeling ‘good’.

I just assume everything is fine but I feel like there’s warning signs happening when I had that bad time in 2015. One of the hardest things. I had to become more self-aware. Going forward from there, I had no experiences after my hospital stay. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to have problems. I usually get depressed near the holidays, now I feel good about them and excited, which I also fear getting bad again. I take my meds. Why am I feeling like this?

But yesterday, I woke up at 3:30am after going to sleep at 930-10 pm and I have stayed awake. I got tired around 4-5:00 pm and laid down and calmed down without my phone, without my computer and simply cleaned while listening to music. I’ve been non-stop for days. Very motivated, but I also feel unproductive.

It is currently 1 in the morning, overwhelmed, overloaded, not tired at all whatsoever. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I think I’m suffering from stress related anxiety,adhd side-effects, and it’s affecting my mood. I honestly hope I am not having a relapse of mania. I haven’t had any issues in a long time. I hope it improves and doesn’t get bad. I desperately don’t want to ruin my life again. I have been doing so good for the time being and I thought I was doing good. I’m constantly over-thinking. I constantly have to feel like being mindful of what I say in any and all situations. I take so long to respond to friends and such. I feel like I’m constantly afraid of improvisational interpersonal difficulty.

I’ve been stressed financially for a long time, at least a few years. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking the worst. Outside I’m fine but inside I’m always a walking contradiction, my mind says one thing, my heart wants another and my brain too wants something completely different sometimes. I have trouble making some decisions. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I want to find a way to combat this before it gets out of control though. I don’t even know what the first steps are to start this.

Sometimes I wish I got therapy in college because I struggled badly through those years. I was absolutely miserable and I’m a nervous wreck at my own graduation. I hate making mistakes and shit I regret a lot about that time. I struggle now because of those decisions.

When I did get help it wasn’t until recently that I started feeling weird. I can’t calm down. I feel like I want to do fifty million things at once. This is really rough and bad. I’m going to try to calm down, wind down, get off the computer and get a little bit of sleep. Am I ok?

[gracekohwanying]

Week 1 - What is critical thinking?

My understanding of critical thinking before class would be that one would need to be innovative, solve problems, and provide solutions. I thought critical thinking is also about planning thoroughly from different perspectives. But I now realize that critical thinking encompasses something more; it also includes observing and being quick to listen, challenging norms, questioning the way things are, and coming up with out-of-the-ordinary ways of executing things. Adopting critical thinking would also mean that I would need to put my research to good use and deduce a conclusion to move forward.

The process of critical thinking

2. Mindfulness is about staying in the present moment; not worrying about the future but not being too caught up in the past. It involves the use of the senses in your body to bring us back into the present. I would integrate this into my learning by trying to be more observant and sensitive, finding inspiration by being observant and mindful of how my design affects others. I use mindfulness when I’m facing anxiety. Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed, I direct my attention to the things in my present environment that I can see/hear/feel, and describe in detail. That helps me to focus on one thing at a time and the ability to think clearly. Although mindfulness comes in handy, I still think that mindfulness is something that does not apply to all situations. It’s a make-or-break coping mechanism for a situation at times.

Being mindful of the present or mind full of troubles.

I feel the same sentiments as this. I would feel helpless when I practice mindfulness and notice something that I can’t do anything about. That just exacerbates the situation.

3. It was the first lesson so I was still quite awkward among my new classmates. I think what intrigued me was when we were tasked to write down what we foresee ourselves doing in the future. I don’t think much about the future because life throws us in an arbitrary direction. There were so many times when I had very little control in life. I’m someone who even struggles to see the point of going through day-by-day sometimes, so setting goals by the end of this year, by 2025, and by 2034 is draining for me.

(350 words)

References

“Mindfulness Definition | What Is Mindfulness.” Greater Good, 2023, greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition#:~:text=Mindfulness%20means%20maintaining%20a%20moment.

“Mindfulness - What Is It?” Building Brains Together, www.buildingbrains.ca/blog/mindfulness-what-is-it.

Group, Genee. “Unlocking the Power of Critical Thinking in Education.” Genee Grou

p, 26 Sept. 2023, genee-group.com/unlocking-the-power-of-critical-thinking-in-education/“The Potential Dangers of Mindfulness | Psychology Today.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindfulness-insights/202107/the-potential-dangers-mindfulness#:~:text=Mindfulness%20tends%20to%20evoke%20or.

[violetfairydust]

i’m just ranting because i need to. ignore me

1. over this last week my anxiety and sensory overload were topping the charts. i was on vacation with my family and my grandmother (GM) was getting on my nerves. sensory overload was in overdrive and so i had to escape to the bathroom and hide there until i could calm down. i could hear my mom and GM talking about me and GM was like “is she okay? should i leave?” and my mom explains what’s happening because she understands me better than anyone and suggests we do quiet activities (we all had interesting books so this wouldn’t be an issue) so my grandma says she’ll stop talking

and then immediately continues to talk and continues to talk when i emerge from the bathroom

she just doesn’t understand. this is not a battle i’m willing to fight. she’ll never understand my adhd. my mom was telling her how caffeine doesn’t work on us. we’re the people who get tired after drinking caffeine and GM says something to the effect of “that should get fixed.” i get what she was trying to say but it just sounded very disrespectful. there is nothing about my brain that needs fixing, i just process things in a different way

2. the morning we were leaving, she asks my mom why she threw away the pear bread she made, she wanted to take it home to finish and my mom says she didn’t throw it away. it’s kind of an argument, but GM drops it. as it turns out, GM already packed it and just forgot that she did. she then apologizes to me (i wasn’t in on the conversation) instead of my mom and i thought it was strange so i say “it’s fine” and she’s like no it isn’t. well, either apologize to my mother or if you’re going to apologize to me for something maybe it should be for opening my mail when i never said you could, past ableist comments, biphobic comments (and i haven’t come out to her and now i never will), insulting me straight to my face (usually about how i look), guilt tripping me for politely expressing it’s okay we have different interests, or denying my mental health completely.

about a month ago i had a panic attack and my mom wasn’t home and it was just GM. i go to her and tell her i’m having a panic attack. she then tells me “don’t worry.” i explain i can’t control the horrible thoughts in my head and i express what my thoughts are (my mom wasn’t getting back to my texts and calls for 20 minutes and i thought she was in a car accident and died) and GM says “don’t think like that. positive in, positive out” and i’m like, bitch if i could, i would. she’s just insanely insensitive. my mom was having trouble getting texts on her phone so eventually she calls me and i calm down and GM says “see? everything’s fine.” yes barbara thanks for helping me

3. but one good thing from that trip is that i stopped being so non-confrontational in the face of disrespect. not towards GM, i have to pick my battles and being forced to be around someone like her and fighting her constantly is not the battle i want. i’m not sure if i stood up for myself or someone else, but it doesn’t matter, it was nice to put some obnoxious teenagers in their place

[opaline-and-anchor]

I’m stuck

Hello guys! I’m back I don’t know if im okay or what I can’t even express myself but I will try. Why is it so hard to move forward these days.. Last 2021 I decided to consult a psychiatrist because of my messy mental health she gave me anti-depressants which really help to maintain my mood and lower my anxiety and depression levels.. after that I didn’t feel any burden from myself.. and yes the meds are very expensive and even the consultation in my country but I still tried to consult to get out of this messy life that I’ve made.. my mother and brother supported me in this.. but I still feel like a burden to them.

then a few months of getting better I got a job I’m working in my dream company as a Designer, but then my mental health got messed up again the side effects of anti-depressants makes me sleepy and I can’t even focus on my work that’s why I decided to leave my job after 2 months of working then the HR told me if im going to be okay one day they will still accept me.. even my work friends i really miss them.. the regret of leaving this job makes me sad my decisions are f*cked up. 

After that I decided to consult again from a Psychologist which is usually a talk therapy session, I feel better every session because someone understands me.. I got 3 sessions by the way.. I would love to have one again and Im saving up for it.that session helped me a lot I got a chance to reflect for the past actions, mistakes, wrong decisions that I’ve made. 

But for now everything that i feel is very neutral in my environment that I’m facing right now I become unbothered in everything and there are times that my anxiety attacks it’s so hard for me to control it. Every day I woke up feeling heavy and there are episodes that I’m lying on the floor crying makes me want to scream to get out of these sadness.

Thought 2022 was gonna be my year I got a part-time job as a designer near our place.. been working there for weeks then a friend message me if I could be a Video Editor of her sister for her work, I was shy at first and then I accepted it, I decided to leave my job to take this opportunity as an editor I was happy that time because I thought this will be my full time/ stable job right after working for 1 month sadly it became an ashes it’s gone.. 

There are days that rejections unbothered me that it became painless for me and there are days that it bothered me questioning myself “is there something wrong with me?” “why is the world is so harsh for me”

Now it’s the 3rd month of 2023  I’m 24 and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself that I really want to move forward easily but that’s not it. I want to step out of my comfort zone, i always think I’m burden to my family..

I hope I can make right decisions this year, so hard but I will try, I will try to be a better version of myself and move forward.

[daddyd0nt]

I’m a total drug loser I’m coming off of mdma as we speak and coke is nowhere near as safe as the media makes it look. It’s really not all that hard a drug (to me it always felt like a much shorter slightly more manic adderall). Like idk when people got so comfortable with coke but it is a serious drug. Coke tolerance is permanent, lifelong, no way to reverse it, SO easy to become addicted, it starts with somebody giving you a bump in a club bathroom and ends with you as a homeless crust punk who can’t even feel the high of their DOC anymore and now need it just to be normal. We all did lots of coke in college. 10 years later and a good number have passed, or gotten sober from serious addictions. There are drugs that are “green light” drugs that are fairly harmless (E, Shrooms, acid) drugs that are what we used to call “yellow light” drugs (coke, benzos, k) which meant use with caution and then red light drugs that you should never do (meth, crack, H). Coke is also almost never ethically sourced and buying coke funds cartel violence in South America. It’s also just a fucking lame drug like I’ll do it when somebody puts it in front of me because for the past 15 years I’ve been a polysubstance addict and I have no self control but coke is so much risk for so little reward. If you must do an upper make it E, 1/4 a g lasts the whole night and doesn’t make you aggressive like I’ve seen people on coke get. My man was really into coke for like a semester (I’m pretty sure it was the semester “wolf of Wall Street” came out) and I was flirting with a k problem (if I had regular access I could have easily become addicted). I’m 31 now and addicted to adderall, weed, and benzos. I fucking love drugs, I have since I tried sucking the air out of the whipped cream cans with my cousins at family gatherings. I’m autistic so my natural sober state feels bad and I’m constantly trying to escape my sober state. I have managed a full half decade off of alcohol though which is a big accomplishment. Alcohol is one of the most dangerous and addictive drugs there is. But I digress, coke isn’t no big deal because all the kids on Euphoria do it, it’s a serious drug and you need to research it before deciding if you want to consent to the risk of trying it, it’s one of the more dangerous and addictive drugs, and it’s really not that great. Drink a green tea on your ADHD meds and it’s basically the same sensation, don’t fund cartel violence by using unethically sourced drugs, and if you are going to anyway study harm reduction for that substance before ingesting.

Also coke will NOT NOT NOT sober up a drunk person. If somebody is wasted do not give them coke (it’s often offered in the girls room to wasted girls to “help pull themselves together” when they are puking drunk from alcohol poisoning. Cocaine and alcohol mix to create Cocaethyline which is significantly more toxic than either substance on its own) Coke will also not bring you out of a bad trip it will just give you a panic attack. Pardon my druggy ramblings but coke is a bullshit drug like I said too much risk for too low a payout. I have no high ground to evangelize about drug use but as somebody who has done well more than my share of drugs I promise you coke is boring bullshit. Molly is 10x as fun, doesn’t carry a risk of physical dependence, and costs $30 for a night instead of $100. Like I said I’m no saint when somebody offers me coke like at weddings and shit I don’t pass it up but as far as yellow light drugs go I’m much more partial to ketamine that was the one I came close to a real problem with now I just get it now and then because I have a friend who picks it up for me at festivals for me so 2-3x a summer I get to enjoy a K-hole but before I had benzos I was using it for anxiety and meltdowns probably 2-3x a week. Now I just get enough to have a night when my friend hooks me up. But I’m a perfect example of waking up at 30 and realizing you’ve been a drug addict for more than half your life and don’t have much of a personality outside of your drug use other than potentially your trauma. you don’t want to be like me.

It is your body in the end and your choice but from somebody just starting to experience the consequences of the damage that I put my body through in my 20s and having the negative side effects of long term drug use and it isn’t fun or glamorous.

not to sound like a loser square but I think it is very sad coke is being so glamorized and aestheticized in media rn. idkkk man drugs r just not cool to me and never will be and I find it frankly sad when ppl brag about doing them

[fizzyxcustard]

Covert Eyes (13)

Prologue| Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12

Fandom: Spooks

Pairings: Lucas North x OC (Amy Holland)

Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, smut, angst, heartbreak.

Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Lucas and Amy’s domestic bliss hits a plateau, but then plummets back when someone from Lucas’ past decides to crash the party. 

Official soundtrack list:  here

Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in. The above image was located on Pinterest, with no link back to the original source. 

I also wanted to stipulate, and I don’t mean to be rude, but if you ask to be on my tag list and never interact (even if just a ‘like’ on the chapters I post) then I will remove you after a few weeks. Please try and show some kind of engagement, or ask to be taken off my list if you’re no longer interested.

And a quick comment on the timeline of this fic. The character of Sarah has been brought back just to add some spice and drama, and obviously, Ros is still on the team. I'm messing with plots and timelines. Now, onto the fic. :)

Lucas tried his damned hardest for the next week to track down the bitch that had blown apart his relationship with Amy. Sarah Caulfield was alive. How, he didn’t quite know. The last time he had seen her and she was lying in a hospital bed with a bullet in her forehead. This bitch had ways and means of covering her tracks and making events look like an accident. She could easily pull the wool over anyone’s eyes and use smoke and mirrors to meet her own ends. The bitch would pay. One way or another. 

Work was the biggest struggle. Operations were underway, both out in the field and desk based. He was shit at both. All he could do was fuel his anger into finding Sarah, and then mope on Facebook, watching Amy’s movements. But she was quiet still. Lucas hadn’t dared go back to their café; it would have torn him apart all over again seeing her. Instead, he watched from a distance. Online. Conducting his own personal surveillance on her flat from across the street. She always looked down-beaten. This sudden ending of their relationship was obviously breaking her too. 

Sarah had covered her tracks well. And after exactly seven days of being without Amy, Lucas picked up his phone and called her. He held a bottle of lager in his hand in his feeble attempts to use alcohol as a way of soothing his pain. It just made it worse. 

Her soft voice came down the phoneline and wrapped around him like a warm blanket of love. “Lucas, please…” 

“I just needed to hear you,” he begged. “I miss you.” 

She sniffed. Her voice quivered. “I…can’t….please don’t make this any harder…than it has to be.” 

“The truth is, Aim, I thought Sarah was dead,” Lucas admitted. “I did, or at least thought I did, love her at some point. She must have faked her death somehow. I’m telling you the truth. Please believe me, Aim. Please. I can’t keep doing this.” Lucas burst into tears. “I…have no idea what her game is. I just know that I love you more than anything….and it’s killing me being apart from you. Can I come and see you?” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Amy sobbed. “Everything is still too painful, and we’ll do things in the moment…” 

“That’s all our relationship ever was!” Lucas exclaimed. “Was acting in the moment. It’s why we were so good together. Please, let me come and see you. I won’t stay long.” 

Amy sighed. Her sigh rolled down the phoneline, again, wrapping around Lucas. “Not long, please.” 

Lucas literally sprinted down the street and was at Amy’s door within ten minutes of their phone call ending. And as he finally saw her in person, he couldn’t help but feel the tears begin to well in his eyes again. He lifted his hand, his unconscious mind pushing him to cup her cheek, but his rational thought stopped him. 

Amy stepped aside and let him in. A rolling wave of love and need crashed over her, and she suddenly felt weak. She looked up at him, those steel blue eyes full of tears. His brow was furrowed in sorrow and regret. Surely, she thought, if their relationship had all been a complete scam, there was no way he would react like this. No actor had the talent to convey the sheer agony on Lucas’ face. 

Both of them remained locked in place, their gazes glued to each other. Amy could feel her breathing speed up, and Lucas’ gaze seemed to be growing more intense. Lucas stepped towards her, closing the gap between them. He was still looking down at her, and then she reached out, placing the palm of her hand on his chest. Lucas closed his eyes and kissed her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her vanilla shampoo. 

“How can this not be real?” she whispered. Her green gaze lifted from his chest and she looked at him. The electricity between them both was like intense static. It was as if the atmosphere was building, like when a thunderstorm brewed. Power becoming tangible in the air. 

“You make me the happiest I’ve ever been, so when you told me to go and be happy, I knew there was only one way that I’d ever feel that.” 

Amy closed her eyes at the sound of his voice. Deep and baritone. It wrapped around her like silk, suspending her in a cocoon of arousal. Next to his eyes, Lucas’ voice had been one of the first things that she had immediately recognised she was attracted to. It never failed to have this effect on her: weaken her defences, rendering it all to a pile of ash. 

“Being with you was the only time the nightmares stopped,” Lucas said, his voice soft.

“You followed me again, didn’t you? While we were apart,” Amy asked. 

“I needed to know that you were okay,” Lucas replied. 

“Please, you need to stop this. Promise me now, no matter what happens that you’ll stop keep following me. It’s not normal,” Amy exclaimed. She backed off from him, turning to the side. She sighed and then looked back up at him. “I told you that I’m not strong enough to deal with this, Lucas. I’m under constant surveillance no matter which way I turn. If I’m with you, then she’s watching me. If I’m not with you, then you’re watching me.” 

Lucas stepped closer. “Please,” he began to beg. “Don’t spoil this moment.” 

“No,” Amy demanded, her back straightening. “Stop following me. Don’t try and distract the conversation away from what needs to be said. What you’re doing is stalking.” 

“I’m protecting you…” 

“No, you’re not. You’re watching me and following me to satisfy your own needs. It’s nothing to do with protecting me.” 

“What about Jonathan? All I’ve done is protect you.” Lucas’ eyes were now wide with anger, the sadness having seeped out of their blue depths very quickly, leaving a darkness in its wake. 

“Why did I have to be drawn into all this?” Amy hissed. She threw her head back and looked up at the ceiling for a couple of seconds. “I want something normal, not to be watched constantly. I want to know that my boyfriend won’t be taking his life into his own hands every time he walks out of the front door and goes to work.” 

“You’re asking me to quit?”

“No, because I know how much your job means to you. I accepted it as part of you, and I’ve tried so hard. What we have is not normal, Lucas. You’d be a liar to even state otherwise.” 

“Does every relationship have to be normal? As long as there’s love, does it matter?”

Amy looked at him and inwardly asked herself if she could forgive his behaviour. She had already forgiven him once for lying about his true profession and for admitting to following her. But the stalking had happened again. Would it ever stop? “Promise me something right now.” 

“Yeah…” he said softly. 

“Promise me that you will stop following me, both physically and online. It’s worrying me,” Amy admitted. “I need time to comprehend all this, and if I find that you’ve been following me again, then I want nothing more to do with you. That will be it for us, in any sense. And I will go to the police.” 

Amy sighed again and looked away, feeling incredible guilt rise in her gut. She was keeping this man on edge, when all he wanted was to be back with her. The whole issue of Sarah making her believe the relationship was a scam seemed to have burned away now; seeing Lucas’ reaction had sealed it in her mind that he was being honest. Surely no one could be that good an actor. Could some of the greats like Robert De Niro have pulled that off in a believable performance? 

The two of them sat down at Amy’s kitchen table and let silence fall upon them for the first minute. 

Lucas watched her. 

Amy noticed his hand seemed to be edging closer to hers, and the self-control just to stop herself jumping into his arms was torture. “What if Sarah visits me again? Is she just a scorned lover of yours?” Amy asked, finally opening the silence and locking her gaze back with Lucas’. 

“I honestly have no idea what her game is. I believed she was dead and moved on; maybe she hasn’t. Or she’s trying to pull me back into some game of hers. I don’t care about her. She can’t hurt you.” 

“Oh, she can fake her death and track me down, but can’t hurt me? Lucas I believe that anything is possible after what you’ve told me. Don’t underestimate her. You knew her better than me. Surely she’s got associates.” 

“There’s no way she would have gone back to working with the CIA after we uncovered the fact she killed her boss.”

“And you still slept with this woman even after she’d murdered her boss?” 

Lucas swallowed hard and looked at Amy. “Look, we do stupid things when we love someone. I was also trying to get intel out of her. Can we not talk about her any more, please?” 

The emotions surging around Amy’s whole body were causing a bout of nausea to set in. Tension was sitting in her temples, and she felt like dropping into her bed for an eternity, with no one to bother her or hurt her again. She got up from the table and walked to the window, looking out at the pinks and oranges that were glowing in the sky as the sun set. Amy crossed her arms and closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath to try and stop her whole being from going into a meltdown. In her mind she prayed for some kind of peace. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lucas asked softly. 

“Are you going to try and stalk my thoughts, too?” Amy scoffed. Tears fell down her cheeks again as the pain became too much to bear anymore. 

Lucas got up from his seat and approached her, taking her into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For everything I’ve put you through.” 

“It’s okay…please,” Amy said, pulling out of Lucas’ embrace to dry her tears with her hand. 

“No, it’s not okay. What do I need to do?” 

The desperation in Lucas’ voice made the guilt rise even higher in Amy’s chest. “I…I know that you want me to throw my arms around you and tell you that everything is fine and we’ll be together forever, but I can’t do that. I know what it’s like to be at that end of a break up, and all you want is for the person to take you back. I get it. But try and understand how I’m feeling, Lucas. What’s done is done in regards to you not telling me about your job in the beginning. That’s water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. But the baggage with Sarah that you’re bringing into any kind of relationship, and the stalking behaviour. What am I supposed to do? You want me to lie down and just take it all? Be a doormat to all the of shit that comes with your job, and be at the centre of your surveillance.” 

“Aim, I already promised I wouldn’t do it again. I know what I was doing was wrong,” Lucas hissed. Frustration was pouring out of his tone now. 

“Okay, we’re still left with Sarah. She’s an ex-CIA agent. This woman is bound to have her ways and means. If she sees that we’re back together, she’s going to hound me again. For whatever reason that she wants us apart, she’s got a lot more resources than the average woman. What if she’s got an alias and that’s the reason you can’t find her? Was Sarah even her name to begin with?” 

Lucas couldn’t help but smile. “You’d be perfect working with us.” 

“Hardly,” Amy scoffed, her sarcasm escaping again. “I think I’ve had enough of the security services, thanks.” 

“And you don’t think you’re strong?”

“I’m not.” 

“Hmmm,” Lucas began, a smirk plastered on his face. “Right, you argue with me and tell me all the reasons that we shouldn’t be together, even though you’ve stated to me multiple times that you’ve never truly been in love before meeting me. Your ex, a guy who you claimed was just like your best friend, was someone who you fought to stay with. You were scared of being single, being alone. Yet here you are, ready to see me disappear, a man who you say you love, and all for the sake of principle. You’ve got the guts to stand up against what you believe, whereas before you didn’t.” 

Amy couldn’t help but chuckle wryly. “What the hell are you? Sigmund Freud?” 

“No, I’m just saying what I see. You’re stronger than you think, Aim.” 

With a sigh, Amy began to speak. It took every ounce of the minuscule drops of strength inside her to be assertive and not let her emotions drown her in love. “Please, can we just take this slow? There’s a lot that I need to get straight in my head before we do anything else.”

“What are you saying?” 

“Can we just stay friends for now?” 

Lucas sighed and averted his gaze to the floor. 

“I know it’s not what you want to hear. And this is your chance to walk away now if you don’t want that.” 

“I can’t walk away…” Lucas said softly, his voice breaking. “I…I need you in my life. And if it means that we just remain friends, then I can handle that. It’s going to hurt, but I’m willing to do it for you.” 

***

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[ysljoon]

Personal Business|CEO!Jeon Jungkook x Assistant Reader

This fanfic is mature so please avoid if you are not 18+ this is also a yandere fic so there are sensitive topics. 

Warnings: Yandere themes, noncon sex, public sex, crying, fingering (f receiving), dirty talk (jungkook has a filthy mouth christ), creampie, assault?

Being the personal assistant to Jeon Jungkook definitely has been a rollercoaster of experiences, but after working with him for about 2 years now you’ve gotten used to his erratic behavior such as mood swings and unreasonable demands. Everyone in the workplace has admired how long you’ve stuck around, but the paycheck you receive every two weeks is too pretty to pass up. You saw the listing for the job on a job search website and the pay per hour almost had you pass out, but once you came into the office you realized you were getting paid so generously almost as a test to see if the money could keep you around and it sure has.

Today Jungkook was in an extra gruff mood for the day because he had plenty of meetings to go through and not enough time for proper breaks and that’s the least ideal day for him. He loves breaks as much as any other person, but just tenfold. Everyone in the office is allowed a 45 minute lunch break, but since Jungkook is the CEO he will disappear on 2 hour breaks and not a single person knows where he goes. Not even you and people don’t understand how since you’re practically his right hand. You pay no mind to his whereabouts since it doesn’t affect and busy yourself with whatever tasks Jungkook left for you to do. Today he left no tasks for you since he’s been cooped up in his office occupied with other business officials. You haven’t been able to meet with him to get a briefing for the day so now you’re talking with Taehyung at his cubicle while you share a small pizza he ordered for lunch.

“Taehyung, I’m telling you right now there is no way that Joon and the receptionist don’t have something going on! They’re always eyeing each other up and Namjoon is always requesting for her to come to his office. It’s highly suspect.” You explained your reasoning to Taehyung exasperated and took another bite of your crust.

“Listen Y/N, all I’m saying is that it’s way too obvious for it to actually have any worth. Anyways you know how Mr. Jeon feels about workplace romance; he absolutely abhors the thought and would probably fire people on the spot if he ever found out.”

You continued to have your disagreement with Taehyung for a little while more, but what you didn’t realize was that Jungkook was done with his meeting a while ago and was watching you on his laptop through the camera system and was frowning deeply watching you fraternize with your coworker. He was tired of watching you practically throw yourself at Taehyung when you were his and only his. Jungkook got up from his desk and strode to Taehyung’s cubicle to stop this foolishness immediately.

“Mr. Kim, is there a reason why you are holding up my assistant from her work and why the expense report I asked you to do isn’t done?” Jungkook had a look on his face that he wanted to wring Taehyung’s neck and he was very close to, but he didn’t want to scare you off. He had to have you in his possession before he got rid of anybody that even tried to look in your direction so for right now this was his version of playing it cool.

“I-I’m very sorry sir it won’t happen again and I’ll get right to it!” Taehyung quickly turned to his computer and fervently typed in his password to get to work immediately. Jungkook then turned to you and grabbed you by the arm to drag you to his office. You were shocked and stunned by this action because sure he had talked to you roughly, but had never put his hands on you. He swiftly pulled you into his office and slammed the door. He even fully shut his blinds. This started to have you scared. He had this look in his eyes that made your body start to tremble. “S-sir I’m sorry for not working! I just wasn’t able to get the daily briefing for today so I tried my best to get work done. I had a lot of free time so I thought to spend it with Taehyung. I’m sorry if that was wasting company time you can deduct it from my pay!” You were heavily breathing by the time you were done with your panicked spiel. Jungkook chuckled at your anxiety and strode towards you till you were backed up into the wall and at this point you thought he could feel how fast your heart was beating in your chest.

“Darling, if you really want to make it up to me you can kiss me.” He purred in your ear and it sent sickening shivers up your spine. Your head started to spin when you felt him plant his lips on the column of your neck and work his way up to your jaw. You tried to shove him off, but naturally he was able to overpower you and he used his leg and chest to trap you between him and the wall.

“My dear Y/N, I hope you cooperate with me if you know what’s good for you.” He slyly grinned against your skin and started to passionately kiss you. To really show he was in charge he bit down on your bottom lip with force you have never felt before. It had you cry out in pain, but you were quickly silenced when you felt your boss reach under your skirt and start to trace circles against your cunt. He placed a hand against your mouth and gave you a threatening look you have never seen. It was so sinister it had you squirming away from his touch. You thought you could have gotten away but by the time you were able to slide past his body he was grabbing your wrist and slamming you down against his desk which sent things tumbling down to the floor.

“Jungkook, please stop, I'm so sorry!” You didn’t even realize you were bawling at this point, but he ignored your pleas and sobs and continued with his sinister acts. He grasped your wrists in one hand and with his other he slid your panties off and inserted a single long finger into your cunt. “Fuck baby, you’re so tight and wet for me.” He kept pumping his finger into you until he felt like he could insert another one into you. Once the second finger was deep in your hole Jungkook started to pick up the pace and you couldn’t even cry out to what he was doing to you. You felt numb and helpless and wanted him to stop, but your efforts were useless.

“Kitten, I want to hear you. I want to hear how good I make you fucking feel. I want to see you get dumb on my fucking fingers and cock that you don’t even know what to do with yourself. I want you to beg to have your dirty cunt stretched out.” Hearing your boss talk to you like this makes you speechless, but you listen to him because you don’t know what other worse things he can do to you. You let your body succumb to what he’s doing and you let out small moans and whimpers and this makes him let out his own grunts and groans in response. Before you can assess what’s happening when you feel his fingers slip out of your soaked pussy, Jungkook is shoving his cock balls deep into you and you gasp for air feeling the heavy pressure between your legs. He doesn’t give you any time to adjust and starts to pound into you. You cry out in both pain and pleasure from hearing skin slap against skin. You feel close to an orgasm and tears are rolling down your cheeks from desperation. “Sir please let me cum! I need to cum so bad! Please let me cum all over your cock.” You can’t even process the words you’re saying, you just want to have your release so badly. Jungkook slaps your ass and groans a ‘fuck yes baby’ and just seconds after that action you’re creaming on his thick cock. You feel your walls pulse around your boss and this brings him close to the edge and he’s losing control over himself. He starts to wild slam into your cunt and after a few more pumps he’s spilling his cum into you and you feel delirious from everything that had just happened. You hear him adjusting himself behind you, but you can’t bring yourself to even move at the moment. You hear his steps come close to you and you just lie there motionless while you wait for him to speak. “I can’t wait to bring you home with me princess.” After that sentence all you can recall is a blunt object coming in contact with your skull and nothing else.

Notes: thank you so much for reading I’ve been on a pretty solid hiatus and will crosspost what I have written on AO3 on to here too because I have some fics there that I haven’t posted on to Tumblr! If you enjoyed please like and reblog it really helps and you can also give me a Kofi.

[hansolmates]

remote learning (m)

summary; working remote sucks, and you would love a little relief. after buying a new toy to blow off some steam, you’re baffled when you can’t cum. however, jungkook thinks you’re doing it wrong, and shows you a thing or two. pairing; neighbor!jungkook x (f) reader genre/warnings; fluff, humor, slightly insecure mc, this is pure FILTH—use of a remote controlled vibrator, do not and i repeat DO NOT try foreplay during a zoom call in the event u get fired im not responsible, phone sex, jungkook’s a meanie in control, cum eating, doggy, and topping it off with some sweet missionary bc jk has purty eyes, unprotected (wrap the pickle before u tickle folks) excessive use of the petname [redacted] w/c; 5.7k a/n; this fic manifested bc of work. and i!! am!! frustrated!! i think we all need a lil jk relief so here it goes! as always ty to @chillingtae​ / @eerieedits​ for this FANTASTIC fic banner, please go check vivi out if u have taste okok part 2: distance learning drabbles; 01

if u like this fic pls consider giving it a like and a share💕💕💕💕

“Tomorrow morning, same time at 9AM. Remember to have your reports alphabetized and itemized,” your supervisor says, but the only thing you can focus on is the abnormal amount of bonsai plants in his living room. 

“Alright now it’s time for the union to talk COVID protocol,” you frown when Mr. Kim moves ownership of the Zoom call to your union rep, who pulls up a Powerpoint. You feel your eyes burn at the sight: an itinerary containing over thirty-eight slides. 

“For fuck’s sake—” 

You so desperately want to turn off the camera and flop in your bed. Since working remotely you haven’t been operating in the most ideal of workspaces. You live in a one-room apartment with a communal kitchen downstairs, so you really only have four square meters to stretch your limbs around between breaks. You’ve pushed your bed aside and shoved an office chair between the bed and the wall, leaving you to squirm between ten centimeters of space. You have no desk because well, the little rectangle space is prioritized for your portable stove and meals. 

The meeting drones on for another hour, until your brain melts to liquid and your limbs feel like Jell-O. Furthering your anxiety as they talk about protocol that never ends up happening, delays that continue to pile up, and the anger that’s been bubbling between the higher ups and little goldfish employees like you. 

When you finally shut off the camera and fling your laptop under the bed, you still feel unsettled. Probably because your work life and home life have merged together, and it’s hard for you to separate work and pleasure. 

Speaking of pleasure. 

Your hand blindly reaches under your bed, looking for the pretty pink oval you purchased last week. Cleaned and ready to use, the little remote-controlled vibrator sits plainly in your palm. 

Needless to stay you’ve been in a bit of a dry spot these past few months. With a fear to go out and meet someone new, you’ve been left with yourself and your fantasies. That’s fine, but lately your old vibrator isn’t cutting it. It’s unfortunate, you think you’re messing up your libido by buying toy after toy, but you’re horny and lonely. 

Linking your phone’s app to the remote, you ignore the messages that have been beeping your feed since early morning. 

[11:21] Jeon: let’s do lunch! 

[11:23] Jeon: hehe i feel like i belong in mean girls. Do lunch💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️

[2:20] Jeon: u loozer. Come eat dinner with us upstairs @6

[2:24] Jeon: dropping off a snack for u 

Another element of feeling horny and lonely? Jeon Jungkook. 

You two shouldn’t have even met each other. You live off crumbs on the first floor while he and his roommates are livin’ it up on top in the penthouse. One day a few months ago he crashed into you while working out, having run up and down the whole flight of stairs at least three times before deciding to collapse on you between the second and first floor. 

Despite the black mask that hugged his sharp jawline, you had felt nothing but attractiveness ooze off of him. Under his hoodie was nothing but curved muscle. He smelled so soft and sweet despite the fact that he was damp with sweat. 

The rest is history. After that day he seemed to show up everywhere, jogging more prominently on your floor and doing exercises at your level’s gym. He says he likes you, likes your company. He’s wormed his way intermittently, whether he’s seeing you struggle with an armful of groceries or when he hears you screaming over an Among Us match (according to Jungkook, the walls are thinner on the bottom floors.) 

The idea of Jungkook doting on you doubly frustrates you. He seemingly appears as the perfect man, unaffected by the stresses of the world. Jungkook’s job lets him work from home anyway, and he definitely had enough room in the penthouse for his own office. He works out, probably has a girlfriend and enough friends for you to gradually phase out of this weird neighbor interest. 

So you ignore his seemingly harmless messages, focusing on getting the settings right on the vibrator. You feel your pussy jolt a little in excitement, watching the silver and pearl pink oval shake in your grasp. You smile a bit to yourself, immediately finding your iPad for your favorite videos and some pillows to support your back. 

Half an hour later however, that excitement soon goes sour. 

“Fuck,” you bite your lip, frustrated tears streaming down your face, “fuck fuck fuck!” 

This isn’t a set of explicatives out of pleasure, unfortunately. 

No matter what you do, you won’t cum. You can’t cum. Barely wet, hardly a drop glossing your folds. You don’t even want to bother getting out the lube at this point because you are so disappointed. 

The vibrator is going at the highest setting, one that your neighbors can probably hear if they were home at this time of the day. You cease to care at this point, because the job is undone because you haven’t come undone. 

You don’t know why this is happening. Maybe it’s because you’ve had the liberty to touch yourself in complete silence, now that your neighbors have been confined to their homes indefinitely. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long since you’ve relied only on your touch, that your body is tired of the monotony and needs more.

You bang the heels of your feet against your flimsy mattress, feeling whiny and utterly dissatisfied. Pulling the vibrator from your clit, you glare at the infuriating toy.

“You’re supposed to be helping me out of my dry spell,” you chastise, throwing the toy across the bed, sliding onto the carpet, “I get you’re not Jeon’s dick, but you gotta help a sister out.” 

With a sigh, you fall into a bout of exhaustion. Not from a round of orgasms, but from the week’s stress and no way to let it out. 

You wake up bleary and disoriented, practically melding through the mattress. The sky is pink and blue, washed in a sea of corals and purples. It comes from the incessant banging. 

“Stop it,” you whine more to yourself than whoever dares to disturb your sleep, pulling up your panties and a pair of navy dolphin-trim shorts. “Whoever you are I’m comin’ so stop!” 

Swinging the door open in two strides you’re met with a chipper Jeon Jungkook; looking all cute and sweet in his big hoodie and smelling like a rosebud. 

“It’s 6:30,” he narrows his eyes playfully at you, “dinner’s in the oven.” 

“You left your oven on,” you deadpan, turning around to grimace at the mess that’s your one-room apartment. 

“Yes, so we have exactly ten minutes before my kitchen explodes in flames,” Jungkook chirps, closing the door behind you. 

You don’t even bother to tell him to excuse the mess, ignore the pile of bras hanging on your vanity and the unpacked groceries that sit at the edge of your mini-fridge. It’s far too late to salvage your dignity and Jungkook’s too damn polite to call you out on your state of slob. Although, as you pull out a bottle of wine tucked in the back of your fridge you blurt, “I can hear your fingers tingling to clean up my mess.” 

When you turn around Jungkook stuffs his hands in the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie, supposedly to stop himself from cleaning up. With a pout he says, “Can’t help it, Jimin says I’m currently manifesting a strong display of Virgo energy this month. Whatever that means.” 

Jabbing your feet in a pair of slides you follow Jungkook out the door. The hallways are quiet and barren, yet the silence isn’t suffocating as you two pile into the elevator. Jungkook opens the keypad underneath the regular boring buttons, revealing a sleek little set of light-up buttons that have the code to the penthouse. Faaaannnnccy. 

“Tryna look?” he jokes, cupping his hands to block your vision. 

You scoff, “I’m sure it’s something easy like 0000.” 

“You’re wrong. It’s 1234,” he replies cheekily. 

The door dings open and you’re met with yet another door. Jungkook presses his thumb to the biometric scanner, and a pleasant ringer tings in response. 

The penthouse smells like a mix of tonight’s dinner, savory, combined with a cinnamon apple candle. Jungkook is a fan of scented candles, ever since he got a whiff of your lavender vanilla burner. 

“Where’s Taehyung?” you ask, more out of your own anxiousness than anything. Taehyung’s  your buffer, the hyper roommate being someone to distract you from Jungkook’s incessant aura. 

“Dunno,” he shrugs, flicking on the oven light to peer inside. You see the telltale signs of a mean lasagna, the shredded cheese on top crisping to a delicious-looking golden brown, “anyway, you’re my friend first.” 

As grotesque as it sounds, Jungkook always finds his way to worm his way under your skin and find homage there. “Possessive much?” you quirk a brow, folding your arms over your chest even though there’s nothing to hide. 

“What can I say,” Jungkook’s legs stretch out as he squats down to your level, “I really fell for you.” 

“Gross,” you try to convince yourself, ignoring the thudding in your chest, “you technically fell on me, weirdo.” 

Dinner is a quick affair. He cuts slices of lasagna and brings it to the couch, where you’re pouring glasses of wine in crystal glasses. They’re so clean and shiny you can see your reflection in the gold liquid. You grimace at the bottle, normally this would be poured in a mug or your sippy cup, tonight your liquid’s getting a high-end pour. 

You two pull up an old anime to fill up the room, but most of it is spent in playful banter. Jungkook prattles on about his day, showing you all the cool updates he’s achieved during work. An app developer. A very on-brand, lucrative job for him. You love your job but it isn’t nearly as exciting as Jungkook’s, so you just let yourself be supportive and ask questions when needed. 

When the subject of you comes up, you shake your head and stuff your face with another cut of al dente pasta.

“Not interestin’ Jeon,” you mumble, groaning at how delicious his cooking is. What can’t he do? “Is this oregano? Is the secret ingredient toasted oregano—” 

“You’re deflecting.” 

Your shoulders slump, “I’m not very interesting, I tell you everything I do during the week and nothing has changed since March.” 

“Oh, not everything,” Jungkook mutters under his breath. You furrow your brows as his hands stuff themselves in his hoodie pocket. Is he upset you won’t tell him about your work stress? “And you’re very interesting, I’ll have you know.” 

“Yeah?” a small smile tugs on your lips. You sink further into his cottonball of a couch, feeling utterly soft and meldable at his words.

“Very,” Jungkook gets up from the couch, looking down at you, “want something sweet?” 

The prospect of dessert has you excited. Jungkook really is the perfect man, so kind and knows exactly when you’re craving something for your sweet tooth. You move to get up, only for you to sink further between the two large cushions of the loveseat. “Help me, ’m stuck,” you pout.

Jungkook giggles, and holds out his palm, “Hand,” he says simply.

You immediately reach for his larger palm, and you gasp when you feel something cold and soft touch your palm. As if you’ve been burned, you tug your hand back. But Jungkook’s hand is massive, the large ink-painted palm curling around your own, and it’s almost painful the way he clutches your hand so fiercely. 

When he’s sure you’re not going to drop it, he releases your hand. 

Nestled in your palm, is the new vibrator you left on the carpet this afternoon.

“Jeon,” you laugh tonelessly, hating the way Jungkook’s neutral expression mocks you, “you found my USB? Thanks, I know—” 

“Know that you’re having a hard time coming?” Carefully extracting your plate from your lap, he places it on the coffee table before Jungkook cages you between the couch. You shrink further into the plush seat, “I tried being a good neighbor, but you didn’t answer my texts. I heard you when I tried dropping off some snacks before dinner. Didn’t know you were into toys.” 

“Oh, c’mon Jeon. It’s 2020 and we’re confined,” well, in this scenario you’re confined, “everyone has a sex toy.” 

“Hm, I don’t have one,” Jungkook bites the inside of his cheek, pretending to be deep in thought, “so, can you be my toy?” 

Fuck. 

It’s then that you feel the tell-tale signs of arousal. Your eyes widen, innocently surprised at the fact that Jeon Jungkook contained so much power in so few words. You snap your legs shut immediately, sealing any possibility of you dripping down your panties. 

“I heard how disappointed you were, doll,” his arms have no problems as he bends down so he’s eye-level with your crotch, “it was pathetic, really. You couldn’t even cum on your own? You need someone to help you?” 

“N-no,” you cross your arms defensively, frowning, “you–you’re being mean, Jeon.”

“And what, you’re gonna cry about it?” Jungkook smirks, now sitting on his knees. His hands run over the velvety fabric of the couch, making a beeline for your thighs. Gooseflesh rises to the surface, and he immediately presses down to iron out the little bumps that travel across your skin, “I do wanna make you cry, but not because you can’t cum. You’ll cry because of how good I’m gonna make you feel.” 

You gape, clutching the vibrator in your hand. 

A little bit of your sweet, cute Jungkook resurfaces, softening when he notices your lack of response, “If you’ll let me, of course.” 

You finally drag the words from your throat, “I-it’s been a long time since I’ve… been with someone.” 

He tilts his head, “Same here. I just figured we could break that spell together.” 

What are you going to say? No? A dishonor to your sexuality, that would be. Jungkook’s offering himself up on a silver platter, and even though you do wish it was a little more you’ll take the sex. 

You nod, forgetting to speak again. Jungkook chuckles. 

“I want to hear you say it, doll.” 

Doll. Like you’re his little fucktoy, malleable and bendable to all his whims. Fuck, why is that so hot to you? “Yes, I want to have sex with you,” you declare, your voice sounding more breathy than confident, “a-and, you can be mean. If you want.” 

His thumbs press little light indents in your skin, over and over as if fascinated by the way your skin is so soft and gummy in his grip. “Okay,” Jungkook doesn’t hesitate to pull out his phone, jabbing a few things that you don’t see, “let’s do a little test drive, then.” 

In seconds, the little egg vibrates in your touch. He puts it on the lowest setting, a soft buzz echoing in the large living room, then at a bruising pace that forces you to curl your fingers around it otherwise it’d fall. Your eyes flicker over to Jungkook’s, who’s focusing entirely on the way the pink and silver egg moves, dilated in interest. 

“Fuck, and you thought this thing was broken?” he asks, taking it out of your palm and turning off the app. 

“Maybe I’m the broken one,” you admit softly, wringing your shirt. 

Silence seeps. Jungkook looks at you, brows furrowed as if he’s annoyed. “Don’t ever say that,” when you don’t respond, he grabs your chin, and you gasp when he forces you to look at him, “you’re not broken, doll. Everyone’s body is different, and we’re going to discover yours together. Got it?” 

“Y-yes,” you reply immediately, mesmerized by his seriousness. 

“Good,” he slaps the vibrator back in your palm, “and in case you’re wondering, this goes inside.” 

“I know how it works,” you scowl, “but won’t you show me, just in case?” 

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Jungkook gets up for good, piling the dishes in his arms and walking to the sink. You immediately miss his warmth, “but I think patience is a virtue. I have a developer meeting with some clients in America a little bit, actually. So just wait for my call, yeah?” 

You frown, looking down at the vibrator in your hands. How much longer would you have to wait? 

It happens at exactly three in the afternoon the next day, at the start of your staff meeting. You’re so tired of the same information being thrown back and forth, coupled with Brian and Jae having to fight over some mundane subject in the itinerary that no one cares about. For goodness sake, it’s Friday! What else would you possibly need to be meeting about? 

You’re wearing a button-down dress shirt on top, no pants on the bottom. Your bare feet slap against the hardwood floor, antsy. It’s been a long day at work and your back hurts, you’re half tempted to dip out of this meeting and hope no one notices. 

Your phone buzzes on your bed, and you blanch. 

[3:01] Jeon: thanks for waiting, doll. It’s time 

[3:01] Jeon: put it in

Shamelessly, your vibrator sits next to your phone, cleaned and ready to go. 

[3:02] Jeon: need help? Answer my call

Making sure that your Zoom call is muted, you quickly answer the incoming phone call. Jungkook and you say nothing at first, waiting. The phone just ticks with the amount of time passing, one minute, two minutes, and so on. 

Mr. Kim drones unknowingly, “So when we do return to live instruction, expect a strict process when returning. PPE must be enforced so our response team will—” 

“How wet were you last night when you went home?” Jungkook asks languidly, speaking over your boss’ voice. 

Your eyes widen, flickering back and forth between the phone and the camera displaying Mr. Kim’s boring speech. 

“Doll, are you hard of hearing?” 

“N-no,” your lips barely move, eyes glued to the camera and plastering an expressionless face, “I heard you.” 

“Then give me an answer,” he says patiently, “how wet were you?” 

“Very wet.”

“Little more detail.” 

“Soaking wet,” you flush, thankful that your work laptop can only stream in 360p. “I haven’t gotten that wet in such—such a long time. My pussy was practically clinging to my underwear when I washed up that night.” 

A heady, heavy groan resonates through your phone. You feel that voice straight into your panties, jolting the nerves awake. 

“Fuck, you have a way with words, don’t you?” Jungkook chuckles breathlessly, “c’mon, touch yourself for me. Swirl your fingers around your clit, slowly.” 

It takes a second for you to position yourself, spreading your legs in a way that your coworkers don’t question why you’re moving so much. A quick scan over all the tired faces says that you’re okay. Shyly, you press your fingers against your clit, doing as he says. 

“Oh,” you say more to yourself than him, feeling the wetness already coating your fingers. This is earlier than usual. 

“What?” 

“I’m already wet,” you say, amazed, “I haven’t gotten wet this quickly in a long time.” 

He scoffs, “If you’re so wet now, shove it in.” 

You frown. You did tell him to be mean. But the idea of him telling you what to do, giving you all the porn-worthy experiences to accomplish has you relenting. Discreetly grabbing the egg from the bed, you bring it down to your panties. Swirling the cold metal around your clit, you coat it in your juices. 

It’s still a little too early to be putting anything in, but you can take it. Slowly relaxing, you slip the little egg in your pussy, wiggling it a little to make sure it’s secure. It’s a strange sort of pressure, and it pokes against your clit from the inside, but you enjoy the stretch. 

“It’s in,” you reply softly. 

“Good.” 

You wait. You listen to Jae make yet another speech about the importance of masks and gloves, and then Brian has to interject and say that gloves are literally useless because they spread germs around no matter what. Even though everyone else is muted, you can practically feel the misery seeping through the screen. For a second you almost forget about Jungkook on the line. Why isn’t Mr. Kim stopping them? This is the thin line stopping you from the weekend, unbelievable! 

“Eep!” you jolt in your cheap seat, the egg buzzing in your pussy. Your hands fly out, gripping the edges of your computer. 

It hits different when Jungkook is in control. Knowing that with a flick of his thumb he can have you careening, whining for more or less depending on how hard he wants you go. Your folds hug the egg, nestling it a fleshy grip as it brushes against your clit the more you squirm. 

“You look so pretty, trying so hard to hold in your moans,” Jungkook says wondrously from the other line. 

“W-what?” you frown, “you can see me?” 

And immediately, you go to your trackpad to fish between the hundred-and-one employees also in this call. At the very end, you see a very simple name with no mic or camera: Jeon JK. He’s here. 

“Worked in IT, doll. Know a thing or two,” he says, “now, tell me. What are you thinking about right now?” 

“Y-you,” you mumble shyly. 

“So,” Mr. Kim finally ends that part of the meeting, thank goodness, “what’s everyone’s plans this weekend? I’m going apple picking with a couple of my friends from college. Hoseok is a bright bean who loves to take long walks—”

What the hell. You squirm uncomfortably in your seat, hyperaware that Jungkook’s watching your every move. You make glossy, stubborn eyes at the camera, trying not to move when he jacks up the vibrator to a higher setting. 

Jae’s of course the next employee to unmute his microphone, “Well, me and the bae are going house hunting…” 

“Fuck!” you cry, moving the computer to the left so you can pretend you’re picking up something. But in fact you're leaning your head against your mattress, frustrated. “I don’t fucking care about your weekend plans, Jae! Shut the fuck up! You wanna know my weekend plans?” Jungkook’s laughing at you from the other line, but it only spurs you on, “my plans are fucking my super hot neighbor! He’s a hundred times more interesting than you and he’s going to make me come a hundred times this weekend—oh fuck!” 

Your fingers latch onto your panties, drawing random squiggles and letters between the fabric. You’re damp, soaked to the core. You need some sort of friction, a reprieve from this hellish week.

“You flatter me, doll,” Jungkook is definitely grinning through the phone, you can practically hear his shit-eating grin, “I think you deserve a reward. As soon as you put the camera back on your pretty face.” 

Quickly, you sit up to put the camera on you again. Once again, the employees are in a daze, listening to whatever the next person gabs about their weekend. Even though you can’t really see it, you’re sure Jungkook has a 1080p camera upstairs that shows off your blotchy face. You moan a little bit, lips closed as the egg buzzes against your pussy lips. 

“You’re so cute, doll,” Jungkook praises, “you look so professional, holding it in. What could I do to make you unravel? Hm, what if you imagined the taste of my cock on your lips? Fuck, I’d love to slap your cute little face with my cock, baby doll–”

“y/n?” Mr. Kim calls your name, and you freeze, “what about you? Any plans this weekend?” 

Jungkook doesn’t sound angry that your boss has inadvertently cut him off. “Answer him, doll. Be a good little employee.” 

Like a zombie, you move towards the unmute button. “I–I uh,” you shake your head, trying to formulate a coherent response, “I’m going on a date this weekend.” 

Jungkook jacks up the vibrator to high, and your legs are shaking. 

“Awh, a date!” Mr. Park unmutes himself, practically shoving the camera in his face, “how much do you like the lucky lad or lady?” 

“I like him uh—ah—” you pretend to think, covering a hand over your mouth to hide the fact that you feel your orgasm fast approaching, “I like him a lot!” you finally blurt, “I’m, uh, really excited to see him.” 

“Best of luck to you,” Mr. Kim says brightly, “so Jimin, any news on those investors you had dinner with this weekend? I heard a lot of positive things…”

You immediately mute your mic, and pretend to lag as you fumble around with the camera. Shoving the laptop to the side once more you groan into your sheets, “Fuck—fuck yes—” you moan, shaking your head as you dip your fingers into your panties. The vibrator still continues at its bruising pace, spurring you to a high you haven’t peaked to in months.

“Good job,” Jungkook says simply, “could barely notice that you have a little helper fiddling around your dripping pussy.”

“J-Jeon,” you cry, “I’m, ’m gonna cum.” 

“Yeah?” Jungkook eggs you on, “you’re gonna cum around that cute little vibrator? Gonna soak it in your juices?” 

“W-wish it was your cock I was soaking,” you whisper truthfully, letting your orgasm take you at the thought. Your folds flutter around the vibrator, bringing you to a level of sensitivity you’ve only dreamt of, “Ah, yes, Jeon. It feels s-so good!” 

“Yes baby,” Jungkook groans through the line, “feels good, huh?” 

Mr. Kim interrupts for the last time, “And with that, I think our meeting is adjourned. Have a wonderful weekend! Stay safe and—” 

You slam the laptop shut, grabbing your phone and keys. “I’m going up,” you mutter impatiently, already jabbing your feet in a pair of slippers and locking the door to your apartment behind you. 

“I’m waiting,” he replies, eagerness trimming his voice. 

“Password?” you ask quickly, jabbing the elevator door shut once you step inside. Thank goodness you’re alone, you think as you pull your dress shirt further down your ass. 

“Did you forget already?” he teases, “I told you, it’s 1234.” 

Thankfully, the doors zip you up straight to the penthouse. The connection is always a little spotty in elevators, and you sigh longingly when you feel the buzz jolt and leave it’s momentum, quickly losing its rhythm between your dripping folds. Once you get to the top and the elevator doors open the second door immediately swings open, revealing a soft but aroused-looking Jungkook. He looks fresh from the shower, absolutely radiant and delicious looking. 

You don’t hesitate to run up to him, and Jungkook immediately cups his face in your hands, pressing his lips to yours. 

You’re practically on your tippy-toes, and you squeak against his lips when he hooks his arms around your shoulders, immediately lifting you up. You wrap your legs around his trim waist, not wanting to stop kissing him. He’s like the sweetest ambrosia, a taste you can’t get enough of. 

The connection to your vibrator has resumed, and you can’t help but grind helplessly under Jungkook’s clothed abs as he carries the both of you to his bedroom.

“N-need you to fuck me,” you bury your head in the crook of his neck, pressing quick kisses to his jawline, “I want you s-so badly.” 

“Hello to you too,” he husks, shutting the bedroom door with his foot. 

Jungkook drops you unceremoniously, and your limbs splay out on the fresh bedsheets of his feather-soft mattress.

“You look gorgeous like this, doll.” he sighs longingly, a hand going under your buttondown to press against your soaked panties. His hand lingers on the way your pussy moves in tandem with the vibrator. 

“J-Jeon please I can’t take it—” 

“Stop calling me that,” he snaps, hands leaving your skin.

You whine at the loss of contact, “Jeon, no. Jungkook. Kook, my Kook. Please, I need you.” 

That gets him going. His pretty chocolate brown eyes zero in on you, and he immediately shucks off his shirt and sweatpants, “How much do you need me?” he asks, pulling out his phone and pressing some buttons, “how much do you need your Kook?” 

The vibrator stops. You cry out in frustration, unsure if it’s because it’s off or because Jungkook’s taking too damn long. “I need you so much, Kook,” you warble with a pout, moving to undo the top buttons of your dress shirt to reveal your cleavage, “honey, you can have me all you want later today. I want you to slap my face with your dick, edge me until I cry, anything. I’m all yours, I’m your little doll. But please for now, I need to feel you inside me.” 

“Say no more,” his lips latch onto your neck, and you sigh at the skin-to-skin contact. His hand fiddles under your shirt, clutching a breast and slapping it so hard it bounces back and forth, “fuck, you’re so pretty.” 

His hand moves to your plain cotton panties, immediately shucking them off, “doll, you really are dripping,” he’s impressed, surprised when he has to untack the fabric from your glossy legs. He hangs the panties on his wooden headboard, a little ornament for him to jack off to later. 

His fingers brush over your folds, wasting no time to slip the vibrator out. He holds it between your faces, forcing you to stare at the pearly substance that coats the entirety of the egg. “Mm, tasty tasty,” he cooes, pink tongue darting out to lick a long strip across the oval. 

You tug him closer, pressing his lips to yours. He tastes a mixture of his own saliva and your arousal, and you grind helplessly against him. You feel how big his cock is, rock-hard and trying very diligently not to bust. He must have a crazy amount of control, and it drives you nuts. 

“Kook,” you frown, bumping your crotch with his.

“Impatient, good thing I am too,” he shucks off his boxers while you unbutton the rest of your shirt, “knees and hands, doll.” 

You don’t care how or what way he’ll take you. Fuck, he could bend you into an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and you’d comply. 

Arching your back so your ass is in the air, you wiggle around, hoping he’ll take the bait. That’s when you sigh, feeling the tip of his dick brush against your wetness.

“Soaking my cock already, baby,” he says, “you’re so good to me.” 

And finally, finally, he slips in. You don’t even care that it stretches you a little too far and too long, it’s been too damn long since you’ve had decent dick and Jungkooks far more than decent. 

He goes at a quick pace, finally showing how impatient he’s been all this time. Your moans and groans fill the room, a symphony of pleasure and pain as he stretches your walls to the brim. You hold a pillow to your chest, feeling woozy at the way his fat cock stretches you out. 

“F-fuck yeah,” the pace is hard, you practically feel it in your belly, and you love it. “You feel so fucking tight, baby,” he’s all up in your ear, kissing the lobe briefly, “I love the way you suck my cock back in.” 

“Kook,” you press your ass back, “harder, please. I’m your little doll, right? Y-you can fuck me however you want, as hard as you want! Please, ah—! Use me!” 

You cry out when he slips from your folds, immediately flipping you on your back. He wastes no time to wet his dick, lifting one leg over his shoulder to have you deeper. This position is far more intimate, and your noses are practically touching as he thrusts into you. 

You can’t believe you’re in bed with Jeon Jungkook. This must be a dream, a really great, really long wet dream. You crumble in his grip, and you lift a shaky hand to run through his thick black strands. 

“Why’d you make me wait so long?” you cry, staring right into his glittering eyes, “why couldn’t you come for me after your call last night?” 

“Why’d I make you wait?” he grits, crushing the flesh between your hip bones so he can have more leverage to pound into you, “why did you make me wait? Since March, I’ve wanted you. I told you I liked you, told you I fell for you.” 

“T-thought it was a joke,” you warble pathetically, breasts bouncing at his relentless rhythm.

“You think th-this is a joke?” for further emphasis, he glides slower, making you feel just how large and thick he is against your folds, “I want you, doll. Y-yeah, fu-fuck. Want to feed you every day, feed you lasagna, feed you with my cum, make you happy.” 

“I—I want that too, Kook,” you’re a pile of pink mush, and you feel your eyes prick from the overwhelming emotions that have washed over both of you. “Sh-shit, Kook. I think, I think I’m gon’ cum again.” 

“Good, you first,” his hand plays figure 8s with your precious pearl, seeping with arousal and coating his cock in delicious lubrication. 

It doesn’t take long for you to cum. You’re holding him as tight as you can, nails digging into his shoulders as you clench around his cock. Jungkook cums shortly after, and you keen at the sensitivity when his hot cum coats your walls. “Baby doll,” he exhales, thrusting lazily. The both of you feel your combined arousal drip between the two of you, onto your skin and onto his sheets, “y-you’re amazing.” 

His softened cock slips out of you, and his hands immediately reach over to swirl around the heady cream over your engorged pussy. You moan when he brings his fingers to your lips, “Open, doll.” 

It tastes salty yet sweet, and you suckle around his finger with a cute little pop. Jungkook grins brightly, feeling like he won the lottery. 

“Are my walls that thin?” you pout, pressing closer to him when he pulls the blankets to your chest. 

“Very,” Jungkook nods with a chuckle, tucking the two of you in, “now get some rest, doll. You presented a lot of offers to me earlier, and I intend to go through with them.” 

You smile into his chest, melty and feeling utterly sated. 

[absolutelyfizzing]

he promised

poe dameron x reader

description - Poe always promised he would come back from missions. One time he doesn't. (Ends in fluff i promise i promise)

warnings - depression?, anxiety?, fem pronouns, talk of injury and death, grief, fluff at the end, use of petnames, reader gets carried for a while and sits on a lap, mentions of eating and eating avoidance (not ed)

word count - 3800

A/N - so this was an oops. I wrote this hella fast but i was in the zone and i am pretty happy with the emotionally devastating product. I promise it has a happy ending i just dont want to give too much away. I feel like for maximum emotional damage you need to be a little in the dark. anyway, forgive me

MASTERLIST

You were stood in the command center with your hands wringing together. No matter how many missions Poe went on, the waiting was always hell. How were you supposed to remain sane when the love of your life was out fighting a battle that he might not come back from. That you might never see him again. He always reassured you that he would always come back to you. That you never had anything to worry about. You tried to believe him, and for the most part you did, but that didn't prevent you from being worried when he was gone.

You listened through the coms, trying to keep track of what was happening during the battle. Leia let you stay in there because she had a soft spot for you, as well as the pilot you were worried about. You were thankful she let you listen in on every mission, it meant that you weren't alone worrying in the room you shared with Poe. The conversation over coms was rushed and loud, they were scared and that made your heart beat faster.

'I have to go through, they're gonna come after us if I don't.' You heard your fiance yell. Worry stuck in the pit of your stomach, he was going to take a risk, you could feel it.

'Poe, it's not worth it. We should get out of here while we still can'. You agreed, wanting him to get out of there as soon as possible. You prayed he would listen and just get out.

'I have to try, I can't go back knowing that they could be following us to base.'

'Poe wait-' You heard someone rush out before comotion ensued again. You could feel your heart in your throat. You could have cried. After a minute of listening to pure chaos, nobody in the control room dared to speak a word. Everyone was waiting for an indication of what to do from the squadron. You found yourself zoning out in your worry. You were only broken out of your trance when you heard your fiance's name.

'Poe is down.' You stopped breathing.

"Down? What do you mean down?" You heard Leia call over comms.

'I'm sorry commander, he got hit. His X-Wing engine got shot and he was heading to crash on the planet right below us, his coms died. There's no way to know if he made it through but I don't know many who could take that crash and live. We have to head out and hope he comes back to base but I wouldn't get my hopes up.'

"Get out of there while you still can. We will have to worry about Poe when we gather our strength." Leia responded and the squadron called their understanding before the process of bringing them home began. You hadn't moved. You weren't sure if you had breathed. Your body was fully numb. You could feel eyes on you as everyone waited for you to respond. To show some emotion of your boyfriend having just gone MIA. You couldn't feel yourself though, your fingertips were numb, and you refused to believe he was dead. He promised. He told you he would come home.

Your brain was split between trying to grieve for the loss of the love of your life and trusting that he would be back. That he had to come back because he promised he would and he never breaks a promise. You felt hands on you and you realized you had fallen to sit in your spot. Leia was above you and was ushering you to your feet. You mindlessly let her push you somewhere and you barely even looked to see where you were going.

Eventually you showed up at your apartment door. You couldn't tell whether it felt like it had been instantaneous or an eternity to get there. Leia unlocked your door and pushed you inside and to the small couch that was stood in the living room-like space. The apartments were all very small, Poe had one a little bigger because he was housing with another person and because of his rank. Still, the extra amenities included a small couch, a smaller kitchen, and a window along the bedroom wall. When Leia sat you on the couch she kneeled in front of you. Her hand went to your cheek and you looked at her for the first time since you'd heard Poe go down. She seemed to almost be in tears but your eyes were dry. You didn't feel anything.

"Y/N, what can I do?" She asked gently. "Do you need anything?" You felt yourself shake your head and open your mouth like you were going to talk but closed it again as you thought.

"He said... He said he was coming back." You stated as if it changed the situation. "He promised." You mumbled.

"I know, Y/N. I am so sorry." She tried to console and your head shook. "We don't know what happened after he went down. You heard the team. He might contact us in the next few days, he is a smart man and he knows how to get a message out. But I don't want it to hurt you more if he never does." She tries to reason and you shook your head.

"No, you don't understand. He promised, " your head was spinning, "he's coming back." You felt tears fall down your face. When had you started crying? "He promised me that he was coming back home." Your voice broke which surprised you. Before you knew it you were crying into Leia's arms and you couldn't stop yourself. That was how you stayed with her for a while after, you weren't sure how long. She shed some tears of her own but eventually you both ran dry. You lost feeling again and you couldn't tell if it was better or worse. You made a decision. You wouldn't grieve over him until you were sure he was not coming back. You wouldn't mourn until you were sure.

The alternative was not, however, to recover. Instead you just stopped doing anything at all. You stopped eating, taking care of yourself, caring. Soon, your friends came in to talk to you. Instead of it being conversation though, they just talked at you. You couldn't bring yourself to respond or really even listen. Or maybe you did but you just couldn't remember. They would periodically come through to help you into a shower in which you just let the water run over you while someone else, you thought maybe Rey but you couldn't even recall, washed your hair. You drank water when they asked and would take a bite of food if they begged but other than that you might as well have been dead to the world. You almost hadn't realized how much of a vital part to your existence Poe was. How little you could bring yourself to do without him. You had thought you were prepared to be separated, you were in the middle of a war after all. Instead it was impossible to do anything without him and you wondered how long you could keep doing it.

This went on for a week. That was how long it took for them to declare him 'killed in action'. They felt that, if he was alive, he would have found a way to contact the base with the help of BB8 and local lifeforms. That was when you allowed yourself to grieve. The numbness turned into pain and it was a million times worse. You would have given anything to go back to numb.

You finally listened to your friends when they talked to you but their consolations did nothing to put you at ease. You still struggled to do anything but you complied with their pleads. You had been convinced, 2 weeks after the KIA announcement, to go to the canteen. To see people and interact. Finn pulled you along with an attempt at a smile on his face. Your face was blank but you tried to soften your eyes. You knew he was trying to help and he was grieving the loss of his best friend as well. When you were pulled into the large cafeteria, all noise ceased. You knew that they were looking at you and you guessed that they pitied you. You had seen yourself in the mirror that morning and you would have pitied you too. You got pulled to a table and Finn went to go get you and himself food.

People periodically came by and said hello or asked how you were as you tried to eat something. You responded with one word answers usually and you hadn't met anyone's eyes. You could feel yourself getting overwhelmed and decided you would head back to your room. You quietly thanked Finn for trying and left to the hallway.

Suddenly, alarms sounded. You were startled into awareness and people began running past you.

'ALL EMERGENCY CREW TO FLIGHT DECK'

You were curious about the alarm but you weren't emergency crew and you knew they didn't need any more bodies there than would already be there. That was until you heard someone as they rushed by as they talked to the medic next to them.

"Yeah I heard it was him but he went missing weeks ago." They sounded confused and continued jogging toward the flight deck. You feet started moving before you could even process it and it was the fastest you'd moved since he had gone missing. Since he had died.

When you got to the flight deck there was already a crowd. You could see over the see a people a beat up X-Wing. You thought you might have heard a droid. You elbowed your way to the front of the crowd, not apologizing when people grumbled their frustrations at you. When you made it to the front you were stood no more than 50 feet from him. He was soot covered and beat up but he was standing as he tried to wiggle out of the grasp of the medics. BB8 beeped and turned, spotting you. He made a loud excited noise and rushed to roll over to you and Poe turned at the sound. When he met your gaze he smiled.

You felt your knees give out and tears start to fall from your eyes. Your arms crossed over your stomach and you started to curl into a ball over your knees. A sob left you and suddenly large warm hands were on your shoulders.

"Y/N? My love, are you okay?" He rushed out, checking over you for injury as the medics still grumbled about needing to see him. His hand came under your chin to move your face so he was making eye contact with you. You let out another sob before grabbing his vest and pulling him into you, he kneeled to the ground as you clung to him and cried into his chest. He moved himself so he was sitting on the ground and he pulled you into his lap. You felt his hands on your back trying to soothe you but you couldn't stop crying. "I'm back. I'm so sorry I was gone but I'm back." He mumbled out as he kissed your head a few times.

"I'm so angry at you." You whispered and he almost laughed, just happy to hear your voice. You finally pulled your head out of his chest and kissed him like your life depended on it, like it was the last time you would ever see him. You pulled away so you were looking into his eyes. "Please don't leave me," you begged almost silently. You weren't even sure if he could hear you. "Please don't leave again."

"I'm not leaving, baby, I promise." He tried to calm you. "I'm right here. I'm okay."

You nodded, trying to convince yourself that he was real and he was here. You kissed him again just to check. You pulled away again, still trying to convince yourself.

"You died." You struggled out and Poe felt tears in his eyes as well. "You were dead, you crashed and you didn't make it and then they said you were gone." You said like that was what happened.

"I didn't die, my love. I'm right here. I'm alive, I'm okay." Poe pleaded and he grabbed your hand, bringing it up to his face so you could feel him. Your hand moved along is jaw which was now covered in stubble and grime. Your head shook like you were disagreeing with him but you were simply in disbelief.

"I love you" You mumbled as your eyes traced the lines of his face and tears fell from your eyes. He let a few tears fall as well before pressing meaningful kisses to every part of your face that he could reach.

You spent the next 2 hours like that. You wouldn't leave his hold and he didn't try to move you. The medics worked around you and everyone greeted him without disturbing you. You stayed, on his lap, curled into his chest. Your breathing had slowed to a normal pace and you were holding onto his vest tightly. Eventually, he had to be debriefed. He petted your hair and cooed at you to catch your attention.

"Y/N, my love," he whispered, "we have to get up now." He felt you nod but you made no move to get up from him. He took a breath before moving you off of his lap as you whined, standing up, and then picking you up so you could wrap yourself around him. You hummed contentedly into his chest and he had a smile on his face as he walked through the base.

"I love you." You whispered again into his chest. You had been doing it periodically every so often in the last 2 hours and every time Poe would repeat it back to you, kiss your head, or say something else. This time he chose to kiss your head.

"Baby, I have to go to the debriefing now and you know you can't come with me." He tried to say gently but he knew this separation might be hard for both of you. "I'm gonna put you down." He warned before encouraging your legs to go to the floor. You listened but didn't release his neck which you were also clung to. His hands fell to your waist and you both stood for a moment with your heads in each others necks and breathing deeply. "I'm gonna hand you off to Rey, okay?" He asked as he flagged down Rey from the hallway.

"Okay." You whispered, still not releasing him.

"Hey, Rey, sorry to bother you but could you keep Y/N company for a few minutes while I talk to Leia and the squadron?"

"Oh of course!" Rey chirped and you took a deep breath before releasing Poe. You let him kiss your cheeks and your nose before he walked the other direction toward the command center. You stared at him until Rey put her hand in yours and clasped it. You turned to look at her and for the first time in weeks, she saw you smile. "I'm so happy for you, Y/N." She assured and you believed her.

"Thank you." You whispered and another tear fell from you, this time of joy and happiness. Not grief.

"What do you say to heading to your room and get cleaned up a bit, yeah?" She tried and you nodded, following where her hand lead with one last glance toward the direction that Poe went.

"-the converter didnt even work until a day ago because the main power source broke down." Poe finished explaining his time on the planet he had crashed on and the rest of the squadron nodded and asked a few more questions. Once he was done, Finn met him outside the command center.

"So-" he paused, "I'm not sure how to say this nicely but most of your stuff went into the redistribution center because you were presumed dead." He rushed out. Poe took a moment to process and nodded.

"Well that's sort of a bummer. Could I borrow some of your stuff?" Poe asked, knowing it would take at least a day for him to get reassigned sets of uniforms.

"Yeah of course, that's why I'm standing here waiting for you. You could get cleaned up in my room too if you want. I know Y/N kept a few of your jackets and shirts but most of it got taken." The boys began to walk toward Finn's living quarters and there was a moment of silence before Poe asked something he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to.

"What happened when I was gone?" His throat felt dry suddenly and his words came out hoarse. "To Y/N I mean. Was she okay?" Poe wasn't sure what answer he wanted. He knew from your recent reaction that you were devastated, as he would have been, but he also knew he had a dangerous job. He might not come back from some other mission in the future and he hoped you would survive without him.

"Do you really want to know?" Finn questioned.

Poe nodded.

"I mean, she was broken." He paused to think. "She didn't talk to anyone for a week. Wouldn't move. Wouldn't cry. Rey had to help her shower and we had to beg her to eat. We almost sent her to the med wing because we thought she was gonna pass out from dehydration, she would barely take a sip of water." Poe's heart was in his throat but he was sure there was more. "Then you were pronounced KIA."

"Oh god."

"Yeah it wasn't pretty. They pulled your stuff out of your guys' room, took your name off the ledger. Leia let her keep some stuff but it was hard to watch. She finally cried, she just wouldn't stop. She was more responsive but she wasn't even moving towards okay. You could tell she was only doing what we were asking because we were begging. That she was doing it out of guilt. Today was actually the first day that I talked her into coming out of her room. She had been to the canteen for about an hour when she felt she needed to leave and then alarms sounded that you were back." Finn finished with a glance to his friend and Poe looked like he might throw up.

"I want her to be okay if I don't make it back one day." Poe tried to explain to his friend.

"She probably would have been functioning in a few months. She wouldn't have recovered but she would function. She's a strong woman, but she also loves you a lot. I mean, how would you react if she was killed on mission?" Poe could tell it was a rhetorical question but he thought about it very carefully. You were an engineer so you weren't called out on mission often, not nearly as often as him. When you were, he was worried sick the whole time. He hadn't really thought about how him being gone affected you before. Now looking back on it he kicked himself for it.

Poe thought about what he would have done if you had died and he thought that your reaction was probably mild. That he would have been unresponsive for weeks or even become violent with anger and grief. He knew that you were the one for him, the most important thing in his life, and without you he didn't know if he would find purpose in his life anymore. He fought in the war as hard as he did for you. To make the galaxy safer for you.

When he went MIA it was because he tried to take out a couple more imperial ships than he could handle. He only did it because he knew they would have followed them back to base if they left. Back to you. So he took the risk and it backfired but he knew he would do it again to try and keep the First Order away from you.

He was knocked out of his train of thought by the arrival at Finn's quarters. Poe tried to get cleaned up and dressed quickly, getting the grime off of himself and shaving his face. He hurried back to your shared quarters and when he entered his room he was greeted with your smiling face as you laughed.

You were sat on the bed, Rey on the other end, as you were talking about something which caught you in a fit of giggles. At the sound of him stepping into the room you looked at him and got up quickly to rush up and hug him tightly.

"Missed you." You mumbled into his chest. As he held you Rey silently nodded at Poe and left the room.

"Was only gone for a minute, honey bun." He reassured and you pulled your face back.

"You know I hate that one."

"Boo bear?" he teased and you shook your head no. "Munchkin?" nope. "honey bear?" no thank you. "Baby love?" You tilted your head a bit.

"I don't loathe that one."

"Sweetheart?"

"I like that one."

"Princess?"

"That's my favorite" You giggled and kissed him quickly for a moment. He could have cried at the sight of you giggling. He had missed that, you, the sounds you made, so goddamn much. More than he would ever put into words.

"I know it is, pretty girl." He smiled before picking you up and you squealed. He walked you over to the bed before dropping you on it and laying next to you. You climbed close to him, practically laying on his chest. His arm was snug around your waist and he left no room for you to move, not that you would have anyway. "How would you feel about going to bed, princess?" He almost whispered, not wanting to disrupt the fragile quiet in the room.

"Yes please. I love you Poe." You whispered back and closed your eyes a bit, focussing on his breathing.

"I love you, Y/N" he responded.

You both got the first decent sleep you'd had in weeks that night.

[touyasdoll]

Early Established Relationship Shouta & Reader, but they haven’t talked about having kids yet and Reader just found out she’s pregnant. She’s worked herself up in anxiety over how Shouta will take it. This is not helped by him coming home from teaching, having had a hellish day and grumbling about “problem children” and thankful that he only has to deal with kids for a few hours.

Hearing that, Reader just… hides everything. There’s ice in her chest as she tidies up the bathroom, takes out the trash, washes up to start on dinner just. Mind blank, but her usual smile on her face (well honed practice from years of mistreatment due to having an ‘unacceptable’ quirk) as she tells him to go clean up. She’ll make a fast dinner so he can sleep and then wake him later for patrol. He’s too tired to notice anything off, thanks her with a loving smile, the soft ones only she gets, as he goes and showers, changes for a meal and a nap with his favourite girl.

And that’s how it goes. Day in, day out, feeling sick is just a bug, just extreme reaction to allergies, just bad food, etc. She kind of disassociates a lot, mind unable to process as somewhere in there she’s coming up with a plan. Obviously he won’t want to be with her, right? She should cherish these days before she starts to show. So she does.

For about two days, no matter what he says about kids he’s run into or his class — though a small voice tries to remind her that Shouta is excellent with kids, even the ones that act out and he doesn’t hate them no matter what he acts like, she knows this, but it’s drowned out by the words she’s heard him say while tired and grumpy — she cherishes the fuck out of spending more time with him. A little needy, maybe a lot, but she loves him with everything she has to give. Everything but what she keeps held back for their her child.

And then one morning Reader wakes up, showers and notices a slight bump that she knows won’t be going down. There’s ice in her chest again, but she can’t have the same reaction as last time. It won’t be good for the baby, especially if she disassociates. So she plans out her week carefully; makes a grocery list so she can make all of his favourites, makes a list of what she needs to stock up on for herself, what she can pack quickly and sensibly, looks up apartment listings so Shouta won’t feel caged or that he has to leave because it’s his apartment after all, budgets her upcoming checks and what she has in her accounts.

But she gets careless, tires out far too early, doesn’t even make it to lunch, and leaves an apartment listing ad and pregnancy clinic check-up assessment on the table as she unintentionally drifts off on the couch. (Her iron levels are a little on the low side.) On the school’s half-day, where Shouta only needed to go in for meetings and would be back by lunch. Her stealthy as fuck boyfriend, who she never hears come in, but certainly sees her wearing one of his shirts and having fallen asleep in the middle of…..something. It doesn’t look like one of the analysis notebooks she uses for her freelance job as an analyst. Huh.

He’s curious, nosy maybe, but that’s a hero trait. You would’ve made good hero, if everyone hadn’t made it nigh impossible for you before you broke away from your past and headfirst into analysis. You aren’t bitter, but he can be so enough for both of you. You deserve the best, in his eyes, but he’s selfish so he’s going to keep you for himself. Now if he just steps closer to get a look at what’s on the table…..

  

  

Hey so I made myself go full on fucking ugly crying and decided to share for anyone’s thoughts or added writing contributions. :D

All I can think of to add is that:

Shouta is not letting Reader get away from him, from this misunderstanding no matter how he has to do it. (He’ll probably start by shredding that apartment add with his bare hands, though.)

Shouta feels like the biggest fucking idiot for missing all the signs and not taking better care of you like you deserved, kid or no kid behind it all. (TBH you’ve been carrying their family — not that either of you have said it but that’s what you have — since you moved in. If it was left up to him the entire building would’ve somehow collapsed.)

He’s gonna add some more bitterness to the “my girlfriend could’ve been a heroine but people are assholes” fund because she managed to hide a whole ass pregnancy from him completely for who knows how long while other Pros can’t even hide their favourite colours. (Most can’t even hide their lack of genuine civilian safety oriented tactical knowledge, which is just sad, in his opinion. Then again, he is very judgmental of other heroes abilities.)

He may or may not quickly realize why Reader hid the news. And may or may not feel even worse. Because having a kid with you? That’s a dream he didn’t want to let himself have, not yet. Not until after he proposed and settled into his teaching job more, at least. (Better find a ring soon. Even if it’s a Studio Ghibli’s Catbus themed one — it’ll do.)

💜

Oh God. Oh God, wait. Option 2 though, right? My brain wants more angst, go figure.

Ahahah this gets a little sad, sorry. But my contribution is under the cut ❤️‍🩹

Warnings: panic attack, mental breakdown, pregnancy, medical

What if his initial reaction is to be angry? Like he’s reading it just as you’re waking up and you gasp, trying to explain, but he’s already raising his voice, demanding to know how you could have kept something like this from him for so long?

He’s not even upset with you. He’s really just upset that he didn’t even notice. Like you said, he feels like a fucking idiot. He wanted to be there for you through all of this. He wanted all the cute cheesy pregnancy bliss that other couple go through. The first appointment. First sonogram. Telling your friends and family together.

And you’re looking for another apartment? For all of you? No, the place is already plenty big enough. Were you going to leave? He’s beating himself bloody inside, cursing himself for not being more attentive to you. You could have slipped right through his fingers. You and that little miracle inside of you that he already feels so attached to.

And he’s just so disappointed with himself that he misplaces those intense emotions and lashes out at you. He’s never once raised his voice to you, but he can’t control himself in his state and he does. He starts barking about why you never told him, demanding to know why you didn’t come to him, pressing you about how long and why and where you were going to go and he just gets so worked up that he doesn’t even know what he’s saying, he’s just screaming and there’s hot tears and he can’t breathe anymore. He’s having a panic attack for the first time in who knows how many years and he just keeps kicking himself, because now after all that, you’re looking at him with concern and tending to his needs once again, instead of him having the strength to be there for you in what is obviously your time of need. He feels selfish and stupid and starts wondering if maybe why you didn’t say anything is because you were really going to leave, because you know that he can’t even properly take care of you, let alone a child.